MARRY ME: When the Demoiselle Got the Old Man's Proposal

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullaahi wa Barkaatuhu my dear brothers and sisters. I pray you are doing super awesome. May Allah azza wa jal continue to take care of you and all your affairs. Aameen Yaa Allah. Sure, I am doing excellent too, alhamdulillaah. Smiles.

IN LOVE WITH HER HUB: The 5 for 9 Years and the Glorified Side Chichi

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullaahi wa Barkaatuhu my dear brothers and sisters. I pray you are doing awesome by God's grace. May Allah azza wa jal continue to ease for you your affairs and grant you contentment, happiness and serenity both in this life and the next. Aameen.

My last article, 'SHARE HIM WITH ME PLEASE: A Letter to His Wife,' was a blast! The comments I got via WhatsApp especially set me thinking. It taught me so much and I really appreciate the time you take in reading my quite lengthy articles and even letting in your comment. Thank you.

Today, I have two major stories to tell.

And oh! I'd be extremely grateful if you could share your thoughts on both of them with me afterwards in shaa Allah. Smiles.

The First Story - The Bride is Finally In

There is this young married lady with three children. She is 'timid' and seems to fear even talking to people. In brief, she is 'bullyable'. I have come to realize that the world usually takes the energy out of such people. I tried to make her talk and act confident even with the people she thought were superior to her. Did I succeed? Well, let's leave that for another day.

This lady looks fine (but thin -  I ain't fat either, heheheee), dresses well and all that so it came as a big surprise to me when I found out that she was 'not doing so well.' That was euphemism. Her troubles could fill a well yet she came across so fine.

She had gotten married to her sweetheart! Gosh! I didn't ask about her story before marriage. Heheheee! Don't worry, what I have is enough. The morning after their first night, her husband put her chop money on the table before going out. She went to grab it and then she saw 4 Ghana Cedis. She wondered what that was. She gave him the benefit of doubt. She believed he gave her that money because he knows they had lots of foodstuffs. Foodstuffs that her family had given her to come along with to her marital home. She cooked good food that cost a lot more than the 4 cedis and he ate to his fill. She didn't ask him anything and he didn't say anything about the money either.

The next day, there was an improvement. He left 5 cedis. She did not ask him what for. She cooked and he ate. Then some of the food items began to finish and she told him but he said nothing and did nothing. He only kept leaving 5 cedis on the table until all the foodstuffs were done and she could do nothing with that money. 

Interestingly, she was not working so she had no money of her own. She became pregnant and the story remained same. Sometimes, she had to beg the people in her house for food to eat as hunger gnaws at her vitals - a pregnant woman.

So, her husband was the type who goes out very early in the morning and returns very late at night. And when he comes at night, he only wanted his food, he ate, took his bath and if he had no need of her intimately, he slept off. If he had a need for her, he touched here, touched there, gets his way and sleeps off. They don't chat like husband and wife do and it ate her up but she kept all the hardship to herself. She wanted to be a good wife, to take the advice she was given during their marriage. Not even her family knew what she was going through. They said marriage was bitter so she endured.

Unlucky for her, she could only give birth through cesarian session which he was forced to pay. Interestingly, she missed most of her antenatal appointments because she couldn't afford the small charges. The only thing he will pay for was her scan. He was ignorant about the scans she needed so she lied to him about being scanned often so she could gather the money for her hospital items which he refused to buy.

Their marriage is nine years now and it is still the same 5 cedis a day. Funny enough, even that amount did not come everyday. Sometimes, he just went his way leaving them with nothing. 

Luckily, she had a job along the way that paid something small which she used to support herself and her children. She takes care of everything except for their schooling. Clothes, food, every other thing. And she kept cooking for her husband too. 

Her husband takes care of himself right under their eyes. He buys and sews good clothing for himself. He has all kinds of shoes and what have you. But to get some for she and her children was a taboo to him. What he understood by his responsibility as a husband was that he should give 5 cedis on some days and everything is figured out. And they say he is a Muallim. Heheheee! 

So, one day, she got fed up and packed to her parent's house. A bold step for someone like her who feared the backlash of society. Her family were shocked at the revelations. I guess, they probably knew. They just wanted to see her dead before they act. Heheheee! The family told her to not return until he comes to apologise and promise to do the right thing.

Of course, he came chasing after her at her work place trying to woo her to come back into her slavery but she was adamant - determined to right the so many years of wrong. Of course, if I were him, who had a wife who caused me so cheaply, why won't I run after her? Which woman in this era will he get who can contain this nonsense?

Then he went to her family and small-talked them into accepting his apology and his promise to treat her better.

Off he went with his wife and the next day, hurrrraaaaayyyy! She had 10 cedis as chop money. Don't laugh and don't get angry. She wasn't happy but she thought it will get better. Just like she did nine years ago. Then their baby's diaper finished and she told him and he never bought it. Meanwhile, he promised her family that he will buy the diapers, clothing, foodstuffs and all. But he thought the only solution to his problem with her could be solved with 10 cedis which still does not come everyday. And her family gave her a month to go back and see whether he will change over and give them feedback. And she had loads of negative feedback. She preferred to stay with her parents without the burden of a pressure and hardship giving husband.

And the nine years of marriage is on the verge of collapsing because a very naive and 'stupid' wife suddenly got fed up and thought she deserved better. This husband is someone who is comfortable enough to take care of her the way she wants just fine. How crazy she was about him and now, how mad she is at him. Is such an angelic woman worth sacrificing over something this flimsy?

This is the end of my first story. Are you tired already? Please, drink some fresh water and come to continue reading the second story which is a lot more interesting. Smiles!

She finds her husband's side chick and tried her luck!

This lady got married to a very wealthy man. Everyone thought she was lucky to have caught such a big fish. I guess some even envied her. She herself thought herself lucky to have a man like that love her and be her husband.

Interestingly, a few months after marriage, honey moon was over. It was now time for serious business just as a lot of marriages have been turned into - hell.

Her needs and wants which he used to cater for easily wasn't forthcoming anymore and she could not take care of them either because she wasn't working. She was totally dependent on her fine boy rich husband. Life got tougher and tougher for her.

Luckily, that is according to her, she found out one of the ladies her husband was dating outside of marriage. Yes! You read right, one of the ladies. She decided to meet with this girl. She knew the girl in the area already. Let me name this girl side chichi. Side chichi was an attractive slay queen who dated men for the pleasure of it. She was from a rich home and so money wasn't her main focus. She just loves to see men hovering around her and licking the floor she walked on.

This wife made side chichi (SC) aware that she knew she was dating her husband. SC was bored and angry at this wife. She was ready to send her to the gutters about how she should go and deal with her husband instead. But this wife had  come with a plea. 

She calmed SC down and explained to her that she was going through a lot of hardship and that she wanted SC to talk to her husband to consider his treatment of her.

SC was still angry and told the woman off. She didn't see why the woman should dare to come to her about her affairs with her husband.

Interestingly however, SC found out that this man was treating his wife far worse than she had made her understand.

She therefore decided to help this wife. She began to request money unnecessarily from him and he willingly gave it to her. After taking the money, she just gives them to his wife. The wife was happy because she finally had some ease in her life. SC made the wife know how she was getting money for her and this wife was even happier. She even requested for money to change her hair in front of the wife once, and the man sent her more than she had requested. She forwarded that money to his now happy wife.

This side chichi became her confidant and the coolness of her eyes. She did not care anymore what her husband did wrong to her or not. She learnt to accept her faith and left him to enjoy his life while she enjoyed hers.

Interesting huh! And both of these stories unlike my earlier story are true stories.

If I am going to share my thoughts on these two stories, I will take away the sauce in the food. Do share your thoughts in the comments section on WhatsApp to me on 0555392722.

May Allah azza wa jal ease your affairs and grant you bliss. Aameen Yaa Allah. Do take excellent care of yourself. Thank you and jazaakumullaahu khairan!

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Rubaba Mmahajia Rahma Sabtiu-Morla

+233555392722

www.mmahajia.blogspot.com

www.rubabawords.blogspot.com

www.strivingbeautifulsoul.blogspot.com

www.letterstomydotas.blogspot.com

www.beforehermarriage.blogspot.com

SHARE HIM WITH ME PLEASE: A Letter to His Wife

Assalaamu alaykum my dear sister in Islam. I pray you, your husband and your children are doing awesome bi iznillaah. 

Where do I start from? I guess by the caption of my letter, you would have a clue what I want to tell you about. Well, I pray and hope that your heart is not beating out of anger already. I actually pray that you're reading this with some kind of amusement. Yes! That is what I want, your happiness.

Before anything else, let me tell you something small about myself.

I am Khadijah, a devout Muslimah like you. I am a university graduate and a successful woman on the average. I come from a respectable family and I am sure you will love me if you get to know me.

Why am I writing to you such a letter? Well, I have been searching for a husband for a long time now. Someone who will suit my personality just fine. Mind you, I have loads of proposal from some really nice guys but I just always feel I am not the kind of wife they need. Not that they aren't religious or cool, but it is just me. I really want something that I am unable to find in any of them. It hurts to break their hearts but it is better so than to force myself into something that I am not comfortable with.

Now, I like you. Yes, I do. Let me say, I admire you a lot. Interestingly, I like your husband just as much or even more. Forgive my bluntness but I cannot help it. It is the truth. I have never believed in or paid attention to romance nor anything close to it but oh my God! I am head over heels in love with your husband. Do pardon me for that.

If I could, I would never have allowed myself to be entangled like this but I have no control over my heart and what it yearns. The truth is, I have prayed and fasted in order to be able to make a jest out of this but the more I fast and pray, the more my heart melts into your family. Perhaps, it isn't your husband that I want but to belong to both him and to your family.

I guess if God was going to pluck him out of your family and plant him elsewhere, I might not look at him a second time.

You see, I have been watching your family from afar for a very long time. You will be amazed some of the things I know. No, I haven't hired spies to watch you. I know very well that is against our religion. The things that make me feel the need to ask you for your husband's hand in marriage are numerous. Oh yes! You read right? I want to marry your husband badly. I also feel that asking for him from you makes the likelihood of me being accepted by him higher.

I know you're precious to him. I know he loves you. I know you're his world. I know he will grant your every wish provided it is not against God and it is not beyond him.

How super beautiful it would be if you made me one of your wishes!

Yes, I know your marriage is not just roses, I know there is the bitter leaf part and even that tastes sweet for me my dear sister. Trust me, I know them all.

I guess you're thinking I probably already know your husband. I do and I don't. I see him, I hear him but that is it. He probably has seen and spoken to me a few times too but I am definitely not anything to grab his attention. I know him, he is a man of discipline and even that is lovely about him.

The first time I heard him call you sweetheart in public, to the hearing of everyone, I was wowed. It was just so beautiful. I have heard couples call each other boring names and I never fancy having a husband like that. When I found out that he had a long list of beautiful names he calls you, I was blown! Your kind is like what we watch in the movies.

I mostly feel like coming up to you to express my admiration when I see you walking while holding hands. It is simply admirable. We know that even some newly married couples hardly feel comfortable to do that in public. That is why I am amazed that after many years of marriage and with four children, you still got things going this beautifully.

I also know he is a responsible man - to his family, to you and to his children. May Allah continue to bless him. How did I know? From you of course. You're always saying it and praying to Allah to bless him. How I pray you will make me share in this blessing.

I know how merciful he is to you. The fact that he sees helping with house chores as a responsibility makes him the more adorable. When we see so many men who prefer to sit doing nothing or chatting away their time outside while their women get engulfed with housework, he chooses to be helpful, and in the end you make time for each other. If wishes were horses, I will definitely want to ride yours my dear.

I know you're both working and your family look financially comfortable to me. It is only good that I ask, 'Do you think your husband is financially capable of taking care of me?' See, don't worry if he cannot. I am rich enough to cater for myself and even add a lot to the family bank. Money isn't my focus, trust me. I just really badly want your husband - to be a part of your family.

Polygyny isn't something I admire though I agree with its need. I believe polygyny such as ours will be awesome and inspiring. I mean, imagine me having a husband like yours, calling us all the sweet names we could ever dream about, holding our hands in public, showering love upon us in various ways even after many children. I mean, imagine you and I as sisters, wonderful wives of a wonderful man, loving each other beautifully. What is more lovelier than that?

My dear big sis Salma, I hope you understand that I have thought carefully about this before telling you. If you knew me, you will know that this isn't easy for me to do. It is only that I really need to shoot my shot. Who knows? Allah might just endorse it for me. And oh! How exhilarated I will be.

Excuse me to ask again, 'Do you think your husband is spiritually, physically (I hope you understand this particular one well), and emotionally ready for a second wife like me? I hope yes. I am asking this because there are some things we may not know until you, the wives, tell us.

Once a sheikh told us an interesting story. He said that a very well-to-do woman who had lost her husband some years ago proposed marriage to him. She was everything that a man would want in a wife. His wife did not have a problem with him marrying again but he knew it was better for him not to. He respectfully declined her proposal due to the fact that he was not sexually capable of handling two women. He said that even with his wife, he knew that she was only being patient with him. He believed it was unfair to her that he gives part of this little strength to another woman.

If there are reasons, tangible ones of course, that makes it best that I stay away, please let me know. I will gladly appreciate it though I hope there are no such things.

Now, what do you think about my proposal or say my request or better still, my plea? I will be glad to hear from you. Talk honestly to me. Will you accept me by your husband's side? In your family?

Come to think of it, will you help me get to your husband with my plea? Do you think he will accept? Can you make him accept? Do you think he will love me too or even at least treat me nice too? Gosh! I wish I had the answers to all these already and that they were all positive.

Big sis Salma, I am a Muslimah, I don't want to be your husband's concubine, astagfirullaah. I don't want to be a side chick - I believe your husband isn't into that either. I just really want you to share him with me - make me his wife too for I yearn to have a husband such as him.

I love you and I will respect your decision. Regards to you and your lovely family.

With love❤❤❤!

Khadijah.

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If you were Salma, what will be your reply to Khadijah. Share this with me in my email rubabamohammed@gmail.com or Whatsapp 0555392722. May Allah azza wa jal ease for you your affairs and accept from us our little efforts to please Him. Aameen Yaa Mujeebud' dua. Kindly share and comment down here. Thank you and jazaakumullaahu khairan!

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Rubaba Mmahajia Rahma Sabtiu-Morla

WhatsApp - +233 5559392722

www.mmahajia.blogspot.com

www.rubabawords.blogspot.com

www.beforehermarriage.blogspot.com

www.strivingbeautifulsoul.blogspot.com

www.letterstomydotas.blogspot.com

ROMANTIC MUSINGS: Shall We Now Marry? 1

SCENE ONE:

Maryam is sitting quietly in the hall and talking to herself. She is obviously extremely frustrated about something. Luckily, her parents and siblings had gone to visit her grandma – her mother’s mum. She could not go with them because she had an examination to write that morning – her last paper as an undergraduate University student. Instead of being overly excited like her colleagues, she was rather all gloomy. So she dodged her friends and mates to come home to an empty house to brood over her problems. Yes, she yearned for this aloneness and now she had it. She was not going to trade it for anything. She spoke loudly to herself, letting out all that had been boiling in her these few months before they cook her up.

“Fatima! Fatima! Fatima! Everyday Fatima! Fatima this! Fatima that! He wouldn’t just let my ears be. And to think that I’m supposed to help him out with her as his best friend is just…” She said annoyingly.

She starts pacing the hall.

“But honestly speaking, the way he mentions her name alone is…” She pauses as she smiles and blushes.

“He will say; “Faa-thu-ma! Faa-thu-ma! It is just so beautiful! So romantic and lovely! It is so coooool!’ She said smiling.

She remembered she had to remove the fruits she bought on her way home from her backpack. She went to pick her bag from the sofa and removed the fruits. She put them on the dining table and sat on the dining chair. As she searched for her phone, she got lost in her thoughts again;

“How would he have mentioned my name if he was this super crazy about me?”

She thinks deeply as she blushes.

“Maa-ryi-yam! Maa-ryi-yam! Awww! Sweet Heavens! How I wish this was my portion.”

She sees her phone’s light blinking. Then there were many missed calls. Most of them from her mates and friends. As usual, Bilqis’ topped. She wasn’t surprised. Bilqis will skin her alive for not telling her where she was going to. She put on her internet data knowing exactly what to expect. Messages started popping up from whatsapp and Facebook Messenger. She began to check them – her priority, Bilqis.

Bilqis – Wer r u? I’m gona tear u up! Y aren’t u pikn my calls? Maariyaaammm!

That made her laugh heartily as she recalled how her crush would have called her if he was all over her as she wished. Enough! She knew Bilqis! Her messages were a thousand and one. She could not read all. She would just call her later. Then she saw a message from him – the object of her interest.

“Mtchewww! He is gona probably ask about progress with Faathuma again. I ain’t in the mood. Not now.” She put her phone away without reading his message nor any other again.

“Let me freshen up and go back to campus.” She said calmly.

She dials Bilqis’ number but she does not answer.

“Bilqis is such a character! She never answers her phone.”

She picks her backpack and phone and goes to her room.

SCENE TWO

Ibrahim crosses the road and walks briskly to the mall. He looks around but does not see Sheryf. He entered the mall and decided to just go straight to the restaurant. He sees a lot of ladies dressed to kill around and he tried as much as he could to take his gaze and attention off them. He entered the restaurant and finds an empty table in a corner. He goes to make himself comfortable. As he dialed Sheryf’s number; a waitress comes up to him. He does not notice her presence as he was engrossed in his phone.

Waitress: Sir! Please…

Ibrahim raises his head and lowers it immediately, then he mumbled;

“Astagfirullaah.”

Waitress: (Not understanding) Sorry Sir! Did you say something?

He raises his head again but this time, strategically. He looked at her but away from her. He did it such that he only sees a shadow-like image of her. He just really wished he had his dark shades on instead of in his pocket so he could talk to her with his eyes closed. Funny isn’t it. The struggles of a young unmarried Muslim man.

“Never mind please!” Ibrahim said.

The waitress realized his gaze was kind of funny and she wondered why.

“Are you ok, Sir!” She said worriedly.

Ibrahim wanted her to just go with her temptations and flirtatious look. But it didn’t look like she wanted to leave him alone. Of course, it was her job to take care of her customer.

“I am ok.” Ibrahim said with a straight face.

The waitress asked him whether she could serve him anything. He looked through the menu and said;

“A bottle of water and yoghurt will do.”

She left and he made sure not to turn his gaze to her direction however tempting it was. She was good looking and her uniform was straight away indecent and he was a man of principles. He continued to dial Sheryf’s number. Sheryf picks up and he spoke to him.

“Assalaamu alaykum bro. Yes, I am at the Mall. In the restaurant. Table four. Ok. Waiting. Assalaamu alaykum.”

His gaze meets that of the waitress again as he raised his head and he sends his gaze back to his phone. She served his water and yoghurt.

“Is there anything else you’d want, Sir?” She added.

“No, please. Thank you.” He said.

She walked away, wining her waist. She thought to herself;

“This guy is strange. Obviously good looking but not friendly. And what kind of stare was that? Was he looking at me or away from me? Amazing!”

Then she bumps into someone and said sorry. She disappeared through the door to the food section of the restaurant.

Ibrahim gulped down some water and began to sip his yoghurt as he scrolled through his facebook. He shook his head out of wonder at what nasty photos and things some people could post on facebook. He thought to himself;

“I should start unfriending and blocking some people again especially some of the ladies. They just post trash. How can you post an unhijabbed photo of you, with your butt to the screen and then you write; ‘Allah is my strength.’ Mtchewww!”

He sees that Maryam had posted a photo of her with her face covered with an emoticon – her usual way of not showing her face. She had captioned it:

“Alhamdulillaah. Countless blessings. University is over!”

He wondered why she had not checked his whatsapp message even though she had been online and why she didn’t call him back. Well, he decided he will check on her after meeting Sheryf.

SCENE THREE

Fatima is lying on Hudaiya’s bed in her room on campus. They were through with school now but they have to stay in school for the night and pack out the next day. So, for now, they were just whiling away time. Hudaiya was preparing Fatima’s favourite – noodles and some eggs.

Fatima seemed fidgety with her phone and Hudaiya noticed that when she brought the food she had prepared from the kitchen.

“Why are you confused about what to do with your phone?” Hudaiya asked and they laugh loudly.

“Facebook, whatsapp, all these. I am fed up with them. Gotta start doing something profitable with my phone.” Fatima answered.

Hudaiya knew too well that there was something more to that than just putting her phone to good use. Yet she knew also that Fatima could not hide what was eating her up from her for long. So, she kept quiet, waiting for what Fatima will say next.

“Hudy dear, have you seen how people are posting their marriage invitation cards on facebook and whatsapp these days. It is amazing. I guess it is because Ramadan is almost here.’ Fatima broke the silence.

Now, Hudaiya knew where this was leading to. She decided to pull her along. She said:

“As for me, I still want to marry after I have completed my Masters. No two ways about that in shaa Allah.”

Fatima began to laugh loudly and she got off the bed, putting her phone on the bedside table. She almost screamed as she said;

“Hudyyyy! I have never met anyone as crazy as you are! A year of National Service, two or three years of Masters and then marriage? Why? I do not mind if you were doing that because you haven’t met anyone you liked yet. But you like Hanan and he likes you too. Are you gona make him wait for that long? And do you think he’d wait for that long? You’ve got to restructure your vision super girl. You can still do your Masters when you marry.”

Hudaiya was happy to have sent her into the marriage corner. She smiled within and said;

“Ok. Let’s talk about you.”

She holds Fatima’s hand and sits her on the bed. She served the food for two. She took water from the fridge and pulled a chair to the table and sat down.

“Tell me whether you’ve made up your mind about Ibrahim.” She said.

Fatima was quiet for a while and then she said;

“Well, I already made my stands known. Why can’t you nor anyone just let me be with this Ibrahim saga. I don’t want him. Period.”

“Have you told him that as clearly as you are telling it to me now?” Hudaiya asked.

Fatima began to eat her food without replying Hudaiya. She was confused as to whether she wanted to talk about this or not. On one hand, she wished Hudaiya will just change the topic and on the other hand, she thanked God that Hudaiya had been able to figure out what was worrying her.

“Fati! Fatiii!”

Fatima was startled.

 

“Hudy! What is it?”

“You are sitting right here and you cannot hear me? Honestly, what is wrong with you?” Hudaiya asked.

“See, the truth is that I like Ibrahim but I feel he doesn’t want me as much as he makes it seem he does. Something tells me he is just hyping his love for me without really feeling that way about me. And I don’t want to get myself involved in something I would regret later.”

Hudaiya could not believe what she was hearing. If ever she wanted a prove of love, then she had seen it from Ibrahim. He was a gentleman of a kind. He has made it clear to Fatima how much he wants to marry her. Maryam had come to explain to Fatima how her friend, Ibrahim, felt about her and what she had to say about that. Ibrahim himself had come to both of them and made his intention known. However much Fatima ignored him, he still hoped for a positive response from her. Almost everyone around Fatima and Ibrahim knew that Ibrahim loved Fatima so much. She sometimes even wished Hanan was that halally romantic. How Ibrahim mentions her name alone is super awesome. So what was she talking about.

“Please, you are confusing me. Do you have a different concept of love or what? Because for me, this is love. If this isn’t love, then what is? Explain why you are feeling this way further because I do not understand you one little bit.” Hudaiya said almost annoyed.

Fatima picked her phone, opened her facebook page and gave the phone to Hudaiya.

“Look at that.” Fatima pointed to something on the phone.

“That is Maryam’s photo with her face covered with an emoticon. What about that?” Hudaiya who was clearly confused said.

“Read the comments.” Fatima said.

Hudaiya saw a lot of comments from people she was familiar with. She could not read all that of course. She had to eat. She said;

“I should read all these comments. Habba Fati! Plus, what is the connection of this to what we are talking about? Are you tryna change the subject or what?”

Fatima was bored with Hudaiya for not getting what she was trying to make her see.

“I am pointing to one particular comment. Can’t you see?”

Hudaiya reluctantly reads the comment she was pointing at.

"Congratulations '...' May Allah bless you and your certificate and make your life not only a blessing to me (smiles) but to humanity at large."

Hudaiya said aameen silently and went back to eating her food. Fatima stared at her to see if she had understood what she was driving at but she clearly had not.

"So, what about the comment? Is there anything wrong with it?" Hudaiya said as she drank some water.

 "Check whose comment it is." Fatima retorted.

Hudaiya checked it and she smiled. Now, she understood why the red face.

To be continued...

NOTE: All characters in this play are fictitious.

Jazaakumullaahu khairan!

Rubaba Mmahajia Rahma Sabtiu

Whatsapp +233 279 073 410
www.mmahajia.blogspot.com
www.rubabawords.blogspot.com
www.strivingbeautifulsoul.blogspot.com
www.beforehermarriage.blogspot.com
www.letterstomydotas.blogspot.com

MARRIAGE: The Bitter Pill and the Advice

5th Muharram, 1437                                                Bismillaahir Rahmaanir Raheem

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullaahi wa Barkaatuhu brothers and sisters in Islam. Alhamdulillaah for the uncountable blessings that Allah azza wa jal bestows upon us every second of our lives, the ones that we are aware of and the ones that we are ignorant of. May Allah azza wa jal increase us in eemaan, grant us the highest of ihsaan and make us companions of the best of creations, Rasuulullaah, suallallaahu alayhi wa sallam and the sahaaba in the best of Jannah. Aameen.

So, straight to the point…

The Marriage Picture

So, I was just a stubborn girl (woman, smiles), who was simply refusing to marry…don’t laugh too hard. For some, the word ‘refusing’ best fit my singleness. But of course, for me, it was all about; life was way beyond just marriage…Don’t get angry just yet! (Smiles). If it will happen, it will at the right time and with the one that Allah azza wa jal out of His infinite ilm (knowledge) and hikma (wisdom) chooses for me. I was not going to force myself to do it when I do not feel it in my heart that I wanted to…I am a heart-matters freak…you know (smile to Jannah). And I see yet the need to repeat this;

‘I am a marriage advocate; whether early or a little late based on positive circumstances.’

Keep smiling!

So, I let myself be whilst I studied about marriage from both the married ones around me, from videos and from books (Note: there is more to marriage than what books and videos and all will tell you…you’ve got to do it and chill – smiles). And I would say that I feel my strange nature show a lot more (all my friends say I am strange…I guess it is true) when I look at my understanding of what marriage should be against the general outlook of marriage that I see…I felt, maybe, we all needed a relook at the whole ‘marriage game.’

When I Decided

So, I find myself constantly telling and begging Allah azza wa jal to give me the ability to recognise the one He, subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa, has chosen for me. I prayed not to say no even if it were against my will. I prayed to be able to feel a connection with that person with my heart…heart-matters freak…remember? It wasn’t that I should love the person, no…but be pleased with the person…content! Even before the love.

So, I met him and the first word was ‘Subhaanallaah’ and I hope that the end will be likewise… and alhamdulillaah, the marriage was done quickkklllyyy! (Smile to Jannah).

The Overflowing Advice

Before and after marriage, the advice kept flowing. A lot more of it on the marriage day itself…interesting if you will ask me. And I am a ponderer…I think it is one of the things I do most of the time…so, I had, been and I am still pondering…on the advice of course.

Some of the advice given made me ask myself simply;

‘So then, why should I bother getting married? Should I just stay single, trying to play it clean with Allah azza wa jal, live an influential life and die peacefully, hoping for Allah’s forgiveness and Rahma on my soul?’

Yes! And that was because, even before you enter the marriage, some people, perhaps due to their experiences, already make you understand that you are about to swallow a bitter pill and you just have to be patient through the bitterness until whenever Allah azza wa jal wanted the swallowing process to end; either through a break-up along the way or death?

Question: Why will I subject myself to swallowing a bitter pill just for swallowing sake when I do not even know how the end result of swallowing this pill will be; bad or good?

Some of the advice given made it seem like marriage was the ‘end’ to achieving the purpose of life and never a ‘means’ to that and that was totally against my understanding of what marriage was. Then the conflict process with the popular stand of marriage in the eyes of the society against my understanding began deep in my mind.

Another thing I kept thinking about, and I had been thinking about that for years, is the issue of worshipping against serving the husband. Well, from all the advice given, the women were only trying to say one thing;

‘Worship your husband.’

And that could not settle down well with me. For me, it was wrong in itself. I thought that one of the beauties of marriage laid in the simple rule that the husband and wife must ‘serve’ each other (I guess women think they do not get served…smiles); only that this service came in different forms. I also believed too well that a woman must be submissive to the husband of course but this submission is a beautiful thing and not as slave-like as some of us portrayed it to be. I thought…

‘Why should I not let my husband know when he offends me in some way? Is it not better than keeping it within me and cursing him whilst serving him smilingly?’

That; by my little understanding of the rules of any kind of relationship with another person in Islam; was un-Islamic. Unfortunately however; that is what majority of these women think it should be. They think that the wife must never show it even if she is annoyed with her husband because her Jannah was under her husband’s feet. But, Subhaanallaah, did Allah azza wa jal not create the husband and wife as companions who will answer for and against one another on the Day of Reckoning? So, why not settle issues with the husband instead of pretending all is well and then going to complain your pain to friends and family and Allah azza wa jal? Ponder!

Now, let me hold it there before I change the topic. My simple advice to myself and to everyone intending to marry is;

‘Enter marriage with complete sincerity for the sake of Allah azza wa jal and with an intention to try your maximum best to give your spouse all his/her rights upon you in the best way possible.’

In this case, whatever happens, you always look back to who and why you did it and from that you will draw the joy and the strength to keep each other going and happily too.

That One Advice

So, people said everything. Some I agreed with, some I didn’t and some I knew I had to work on for sure. Then this woman came to give me an advice I think every couple should have hanging in their foreheads (smile to Jannah) from day one of their marriage until the end; however short or long their marriage lasts.

She was my mother’s friend and a very good person like my mum (you know, right!). She stared at me with mixed feelings. She was sad and happy. She was sad because mum and I were very close and I was going to move away and then she was happy because of course, marriage is a GOOD THING and it is the joy of every parent to see their child get married and start a life of his/her own. I knew this mixed feelings of hers even before she mentioned it…smile to Jannah!

Then her advice;

‘You know something Mmahajia. Before marriage, you will realize that no matter how long or short you have known your husband, you will hardly have problems with him. Even when he says something annoying, you might not get angry at all and he might not get angry with you when you also do the same to him. The interesting thing however is that; the moment you begin to live together as husband and wife, SHAYTAAN FORCEFULLY makes himself your THIRD COMPANION. Now, you will realize that the thing your husband does or says that will not have made you angry when you were not married will make you annoyed and angry very easily this time around. So you will both find yourselves getting at each other’s neck and your heart does not feel at peace with each other.’

Yaa Salaam! I kept quiet and paid attention to her every word. She seemed to be saying this from a typical experience and she was making sure that I gulped down her every word with the understanding that came along with it. She continued…

‘However, if you are able to recognise this SHAYTAAN easily and be aware of him and his mischief, then you work at putting him to shame; then you will find yourselves pardoning each other for the wrong you might do to each other and also giving each other positive excuses for every happening. When you keep that up, you tire Shaytaan until he gets fed up and finds his way away from you. Then marriage becomes what it was meant to be; ‘a place of pure sweet companionship.’’

That was enough. And this advice I thought was not only different and awesome but needed, at least, somewhere along every marriage and this advice was also worth sharing so I shared it with you. Keep smiling! Read this advice again and again, grab the understanding in it and let it live with you forever as you pray to Allah azza wa jal to give you the ability to implement its lessons in your marriage and other relationships.

May Allah azza wa jal be the custodian of our marriages and bless every one of us with the best of spouse who will be a source of the best of Jannah. Aameen Yaa Waduud Yaa Lateef Yaa Rahmaan Yaa Raheem Yaa Wahhaab Yaa Quddus. Let us not forget one another in our du’a.

Jazaakumullaahu khairan!

Love fiisabilillaah

Rubaba Mmahajia Rahma Sabtiu

www.strivingbeautifulsoul.blogspot.com
www.mmahajia.blogspot.com

www.letterstomydotas.blogspot.com 
www.rubabawords.blogspot.com
www.beforehermarriage.blogspot.com

BHM: The Hot Cake Feel…

Bismillaahir Rahmaanir Raheem

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullaahi wa Barkaatuhu

Allahumma sualli 'alaa sayyidinaa Muhammad wa 'alaa aalihii wa ashaabihi wa sallam

14th Rabi'al thani, 1436

Alhamdulillaah for the good times and the seemingly bad times…

Du’a

 May Allah, Al-Mujeeb, bless every Muslim man and woman with the best of spouses who will help them in this Dunya to get closer to Him, azza wa jal, and in the Akhira, to be counted among His, azza wa jal’s most beloveds. Aameen Yaa Affuw!

The Cake is hot

Ok, I am smiling right now…Question: Are you a fun of cakes? Well, for those who are…how do you want it? Hot? Cold? Heheheee! Now, I have heard this statement a number of times;

‘You are a hot cake’

Not referring to me specifically (smile to Jannah). So, I just checked the definition of a ‘hot cake.’ Interesting find…

‘To be in great demand…’

It goes to mean that ‘hot cakes’ are on high demand whether ‘the edible one’ or the ‘human one.’ But of course, if you aren’t a fun of cake, you don’t care how it is packaged, hot or cold; you simply don’t want it…keep smiling!

I Recall a Particular Night

We had just finished our Ladies’ Wing Executives meeting and began to chit chat. An issue of marriage proposals on campus came up and a lady made a comment. She said;

‘If you are a Muslim lady on campus and no guy on campus has ever proposed to you, then you should mind your character. Perhaps you are doing something wrong.’

Note: That is in my words…can’t quote her exactly, it’s been long.

Of course, I disagreed and I didn’t fail to let her know that. Alhamdulillaah, my argument seemed to make sense to them then. Now, let me try to emphasize on these issues of proposals again. And I am doing this for the selfish reason of letting my sisters whom I have seen being affected by the issues I am going to raise, in a negative manner, understand that life is better when we look at things another way. Keep smiling! Now let us look at the two extremes (I don’t want to toe the middle path on this issue).

No Proposals Coming

Honestly, I have never met that lady who has never had a marriage (some of them actually mean be my girlfriend because after getting what they want selfishly, they dump the girl) proposal before. Sometimes though, it is the nature of the people who propose…nothing to write home about!

Yet, let us look at a scenario of a lady who has virtually never been proposed to. We tell such a lady;

‘There is probably something wrong with you. May be, you aren’t good looking (cho! I have seen people who were considered by some as ugly who are being loved elsewhere as wives…beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder remember), you are from a very poor home (many have married typically poor ladies and they are happy), bad character (well, even those ladies get their husbands…some men do not look at character, they simply don’t care – though they come with their own pack of troubles), too old (And this one is very laughable, considering the fact that many of our Muslim guys make a fuss of this. Almost warning the young ladies to marry at young ages because when they grow no one will want them. That is interesting! I am an advocate of marriage. Will explain that later. Interesting enough, I have been searching for grown up Muslimahs for some couple of guys with so much difficulty recently…smiles…so, what are they talking about? ), etc.’ 

What I will tell my Muslimah sister who is worrying her head too much over the fact that the men (good men of course) are not coming is that;

‘Worry not! Just make sure that you are being the good girl that Allah azza wa jal wants you to be. That is all. Do not question how Allah azza wa jal created you and the situations He has put you in even if you think those are the causes of the lack of proposals. Incline yourself to Allah! Concentrate on Him! And make du’a with a peaceful and calm mind, heart and soul as you enjoy your life. In His, azza wa jal’s own time, the man He intends for you will come. And note too well, do not make a mistake of accepting just anybody due to pressure. No, don’t! Wait on Allah azza wa jal and keep smiling.’

Now, I keep telling one of my sisters that she should thank and praise Allah azza wa jal for the fact that men do not rush on her for marriage. Yes, I did. Unknowingly, she didn’t really understand why I said that. Of course, everyone thinks it is ‘super wow’ to have the men (good men of course…I don’t have time for men who want to play) all over you for marriage and I guess my friend thought so too.

A lot later (a year or more), my friend confesses to me how she has come to really understand my point on this issue. She was challenged with being emotionally attached to a man and getting over him was almost impossible. Now, she thinks;

‘How will it be for her if she was going to have lots of them, good ones, coming her way?’

She was definitely going to keep falling and rising (which is the difficult thing). I hope you get my point.

There are those Muslimahs who like a different Muslim guy every other day (exaggerations…smiles) and there are those whose hearts are hard to penetrate (believe it). My friend looks at how hard it was for her to get over just a guy and then she compares herself with one who seems to have the proposals coming at all angles yet is unperturbed (heart not shaken) and she connects this whole thing to what Allah azza wa jal tells us in Surat Al-Baqarah, the Cow, Chapter 2 ayah 286;

‘Allah does not impose upon any soul a duty but to the extent of its ability…’

Allah is great beyond our imagination indeed. Alhamdulillaah! When we ponder deeply, we realize that everything, absolutely everything that He azza wa jal does is completely perfect even when we don’t like it.

Too Many Proposals

Yes, there are those Muslimahs who get so many marriage proposals from good men of course. It could probably be due to many reasons. Perhaps; their beauty, wealth, status, religious inclination or some more others.

And just like the one who receives no proposals sometimes finds herself in a distressed situation, the one who has many proposals also has her own troubles which might either go against her or favour her.

Before anyone wonders why the one who receives many proposals will not just marry, let me give us a gist on why some Muslimahs do not marry as early as expected (People will always have their expectations). Smiles!

1.      It is the decree of the Mighty and Majestic Allah. Analyse that one.

2.      She might have some troubles (health, finance, family, etc…the list is endless).

3.      Perhaps, she is being choosy.

Being Choosy

Well, I believe, everyone, male or female has the right to be choosy about whom their spouse becomes noting too well that their choosiness might either work for them or against them.

It will work for them in the sense that they might end up getting exactly what they are looking for or better. It will work against them in the sense that they might end up having to stop their choosiness and make do with what they can have. Keep smiling!

What the Muslimah who receives lots of marriage proposals must make sure of is that;

‘She is not turning them down for selfish reasons. She is not looking for some weird things in a man. That her reasons for turning them down, however good they might seem, must not be a selfish one but for the sake of Allah. She must make sure that whatever it is she is looking for in a man is towards seeking the pleasure of Allah azza wa jal. She must ensure that when she is not getting married whilst others expect that she should, it must be towards His pleasure only. Then Allah azza wa jal will take care of her affairs beautifully in shaa Allah.’

Two Issues with the ‘Hot Cakeness’

1.      How the ‘Hot Cake’ Turns Proposals Down

Ok, so, many proposals keep coming. You do not want them…so then what do you do? Turn them down. Simple! It is not fair, never, that a man proposes marriage to you and then you keep him on hold when you know too well that you do not want him. If you do not want him, tell him the very moment you make that confirmation. And do so in the best of ways; respectfully…diplomatically…keep smiling.

It is absolutely unfortunate if a good Muslimah keeps holding marriage proposals in the air…giving the men hope…when she is clearly not interested. There are of course situations where the Muslimah is not sure whether she is interested or not; but whatever be the case…be sincere and let him go in the best of ways.

Another thing also is that the Muslimah must make a sincere du’a for this proposer. Yes! He saw something in you that pulled him to you. You could simply make this du’a for him or a better one;

‘May Allah azza wa jal bless you with a spouse who is better than me’

And then you move on with your life. We do not also forget the men who never let go.

Those Who Never Let Go

Yes, there are those men who never let go. They will not accept a no from you no matter how you try to make them understand. Some of them do so for good reasons and some of them…well…

What a Muslimah has to know however is; perhaps in the long run, this person might win her over and become her husband or he may not. For that reason, she should handle this person with care and caution. If she says no, she has to be careful how she relates with him. She must not continue to increase his hopes when she knows she does not want him. Another thing she can do is;

Suggest a Sister to a Brother

Yes! That is the beauty of this Deen. When a good man proposes and you cannot accept, then it is beautiful that you recommend a good sister to him if you know one. He might accept to weigh his chance there or he may not show interest. Whatever be the case, you have tried your best and life is really all about trying your best. Keep smiling!

2.      Don’t Let it Get into Your Head

Now, no matter how ‘hot’ a ‘cake’ you are, or you think you are, or people think you are, never ever let it make you proud and arrogant. Yes, never! There are those people who think that as for them, when they want to marry, they have a variety of men to choose from and then they go about saying it with pride and feeling on top of others who are probably having a hard time getting good marriage proposals. Once a lady told me;

‘As for me, if I want to marry this very second, all I have to do is just call any of the many men who want me and then they will run to marry me.’

Note: In my words…it’s been long…

Well, I smiled at it and brushed it off…she was obviously full of herself…negative pride and arrogance is an ugly thing indeed. Save yourself of it. Just keep making du’a for the men who come to you whom you don’t want as you make du’a for yourself and brush the idea of being a ‘hot cake’ off your mind…do that…very important! Remember, humility is a beautiful thing…

I am an Advocate of Marriage

I am a Muslim who believes and bears witness that Allah azza wa jal is One and Only and is the Only one worthy of worship and I believe and bear witness that Prophet Muhammad suallal Laahu alayhi wa sallam is His, azza wa jal’s servant and last Messenger. So, what will not make me an advocate of marriage?

Rasuulullaah advocated for marriage and we try our very best to follow in his path. Looking at the state of ‘sexual chaos’ our Ummah is in, who dares to speak against marriage? I hope to explain ‘my marriage advocaciness more’ in my next BHM article in shaa Allah!

Remember me in your du’a always. As you pray for a brother or a sister, the noble Angels also do the same for you. Fair enough! All faults are mine and all praises and thanks are solely Allah azza wa jal’s. I love you for the sake of Allah solely. Assalaamu alaykum. Keep smiling to Jannah!

Rubaba  Mmahajia Rahma Sabtiu

www.beforehermarriage.blogspot.com before her marriage writings

www.mmahajia.blogspot.com my articles

www.strivingbeautifulsoul.blogspot.com my beautiful soul series

www.rubabawords.blogspot.com my poems