BHM: The Hot Cake Feel…

Bismillaahir Rahmaanir Raheem

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullaahi wa Barkaatuhu

Allahumma sualli 'alaa sayyidinaa Muhammad wa 'alaa aalihii wa ashaabihi wa sallam

14th Rabi'al thani, 1436

Alhamdulillaah for the good times and the seemingly bad times…

Du’a

 May Allah, Al-Mujeeb, bless every Muslim man and woman with the best of spouses who will help them in this Dunya to get closer to Him, azza wa jal, and in the Akhira, to be counted among His, azza wa jal’s most beloveds. Aameen Yaa Affuw!

The Cake is hot

Ok, I am smiling right now…Question: Are you a fun of cakes? Well, for those who are…how do you want it? Hot? Cold? Heheheee! Now, I have heard this statement a number of times;

‘You are a hot cake’

Not referring to me specifically (smile to Jannah). So, I just checked the definition of a ‘hot cake.’ Interesting find…

‘To be in great demand…’

It goes to mean that ‘hot cakes’ are on high demand whether ‘the edible one’ or the ‘human one.’ But of course, if you aren’t a fun of cake, you don’t care how it is packaged, hot or cold; you simply don’t want it…keep smiling!

I Recall a Particular Night

We had just finished our Ladies’ Wing Executives meeting and began to chit chat. An issue of marriage proposals on campus came up and a lady made a comment. She said;

‘If you are a Muslim lady on campus and no guy on campus has ever proposed to you, then you should mind your character. Perhaps you are doing something wrong.’

Note: That is in my words…can’t quote her exactly, it’s been long.

Of course, I disagreed and I didn’t fail to let her know that. Alhamdulillaah, my argument seemed to make sense to them then. Now, let me try to emphasize on these issues of proposals again. And I am doing this for the selfish reason of letting my sisters whom I have seen being affected by the issues I am going to raise, in a negative manner, understand that life is better when we look at things another way. Keep smiling! Now let us look at the two extremes (I don’t want to toe the middle path on this issue).

No Proposals Coming

Honestly, I have never met that lady who has never had a marriage (some of them actually mean be my girlfriend because after getting what they want selfishly, they dump the girl) proposal before. Sometimes though, it is the nature of the people who propose…nothing to write home about!

Yet, let us look at a scenario of a lady who has virtually never been proposed to. We tell such a lady;

‘There is probably something wrong with you. May be, you aren’t good looking (cho! I have seen people who were considered by some as ugly who are being loved elsewhere as wives…beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder remember), you are from a very poor home (many have married typically poor ladies and they are happy), bad character (well, even those ladies get their husbands…some men do not look at character, they simply don’t care – though they come with their own pack of troubles), too old (And this one is very laughable, considering the fact that many of our Muslim guys make a fuss of this. Almost warning the young ladies to marry at young ages because when they grow no one will want them. That is interesting! I am an advocate of marriage. Will explain that later. Interesting enough, I have been searching for grown up Muslimahs for some couple of guys with so much difficulty recently…smiles…so, what are they talking about? ), etc.’ 

What I will tell my Muslimah sister who is worrying her head too much over the fact that the men (good men of course) are not coming is that;

‘Worry not! Just make sure that you are being the good girl that Allah azza wa jal wants you to be. That is all. Do not question how Allah azza wa jal created you and the situations He has put you in even if you think those are the causes of the lack of proposals. Incline yourself to Allah! Concentrate on Him! And make du’a with a peaceful and calm mind, heart and soul as you enjoy your life. In His, azza wa jal’s own time, the man He intends for you will come. And note too well, do not make a mistake of accepting just anybody due to pressure. No, don’t! Wait on Allah azza wa jal and keep smiling.’

Now, I keep telling one of my sisters that she should thank and praise Allah azza wa jal for the fact that men do not rush on her for marriage. Yes, I did. Unknowingly, she didn’t really understand why I said that. Of course, everyone thinks it is ‘super wow’ to have the men (good men of course…I don’t have time for men who want to play) all over you for marriage and I guess my friend thought so too.

A lot later (a year or more), my friend confesses to me how she has come to really understand my point on this issue. She was challenged with being emotionally attached to a man and getting over him was almost impossible. Now, she thinks;

‘How will it be for her if she was going to have lots of them, good ones, coming her way?’

She was definitely going to keep falling and rising (which is the difficult thing). I hope you get my point.

There are those Muslimahs who like a different Muslim guy every other day (exaggerations…smiles) and there are those whose hearts are hard to penetrate (believe it). My friend looks at how hard it was for her to get over just a guy and then she compares herself with one who seems to have the proposals coming at all angles yet is unperturbed (heart not shaken) and she connects this whole thing to what Allah azza wa jal tells us in Surat Al-Baqarah, the Cow, Chapter 2 ayah 286;

‘Allah does not impose upon any soul a duty but to the extent of its ability…’

Allah is great beyond our imagination indeed. Alhamdulillaah! When we ponder deeply, we realize that everything, absolutely everything that He azza wa jal does is completely perfect even when we don’t like it.

Too Many Proposals

Yes, there are those Muslimahs who get so many marriage proposals from good men of course. It could probably be due to many reasons. Perhaps; their beauty, wealth, status, religious inclination or some more others.

And just like the one who receives no proposals sometimes finds herself in a distressed situation, the one who has many proposals also has her own troubles which might either go against her or favour her.

Before anyone wonders why the one who receives many proposals will not just marry, let me give us a gist on why some Muslimahs do not marry as early as expected (People will always have their expectations). Smiles!

1.      It is the decree of the Mighty and Majestic Allah. Analyse that one.

2.      She might have some troubles (health, finance, family, etc…the list is endless).

3.      Perhaps, she is being choosy.

Being Choosy

Well, I believe, everyone, male or female has the right to be choosy about whom their spouse becomes noting too well that their choosiness might either work for them or against them.

It will work for them in the sense that they might end up getting exactly what they are looking for or better. It will work against them in the sense that they might end up having to stop their choosiness and make do with what they can have. Keep smiling!

What the Muslimah who receives lots of marriage proposals must make sure of is that;

‘She is not turning them down for selfish reasons. She is not looking for some weird things in a man. That her reasons for turning them down, however good they might seem, must not be a selfish one but for the sake of Allah. She must make sure that whatever it is she is looking for in a man is towards seeking the pleasure of Allah azza wa jal. She must ensure that when she is not getting married whilst others expect that she should, it must be towards His pleasure only. Then Allah azza wa jal will take care of her affairs beautifully in shaa Allah.’

Two Issues with the ‘Hot Cakeness’

1.      How the ‘Hot Cake’ Turns Proposals Down

Ok, so, many proposals keep coming. You do not want them…so then what do you do? Turn them down. Simple! It is not fair, never, that a man proposes marriage to you and then you keep him on hold when you know too well that you do not want him. If you do not want him, tell him the very moment you make that confirmation. And do so in the best of ways; respectfully…diplomatically…keep smiling.

It is absolutely unfortunate if a good Muslimah keeps holding marriage proposals in the air…giving the men hope…when she is clearly not interested. There are of course situations where the Muslimah is not sure whether she is interested or not; but whatever be the case…be sincere and let him go in the best of ways.

Another thing also is that the Muslimah must make a sincere du’a for this proposer. Yes! He saw something in you that pulled him to you. You could simply make this du’a for him or a better one;

‘May Allah azza wa jal bless you with a spouse who is better than me’

And then you move on with your life. We do not also forget the men who never let go.

Those Who Never Let Go

Yes, there are those men who never let go. They will not accept a no from you no matter how you try to make them understand. Some of them do so for good reasons and some of them…well…

What a Muslimah has to know however is; perhaps in the long run, this person might win her over and become her husband or he may not. For that reason, she should handle this person with care and caution. If she says no, she has to be careful how she relates with him. She must not continue to increase his hopes when she knows she does not want him. Another thing she can do is;

Suggest a Sister to a Brother

Yes! That is the beauty of this Deen. When a good man proposes and you cannot accept, then it is beautiful that you recommend a good sister to him if you know one. He might accept to weigh his chance there or he may not show interest. Whatever be the case, you have tried your best and life is really all about trying your best. Keep smiling!

2.      Don’t Let it Get into Your Head

Now, no matter how ‘hot’ a ‘cake’ you are, or you think you are, or people think you are, never ever let it make you proud and arrogant. Yes, never! There are those people who think that as for them, when they want to marry, they have a variety of men to choose from and then they go about saying it with pride and feeling on top of others who are probably having a hard time getting good marriage proposals. Once a lady told me;

‘As for me, if I want to marry this very second, all I have to do is just call any of the many men who want me and then they will run to marry me.’

Note: In my words…it’s been long…

Well, I smiled at it and brushed it off…she was obviously full of herself…negative pride and arrogance is an ugly thing indeed. Save yourself of it. Just keep making du’a for the men who come to you whom you don’t want as you make du’a for yourself and brush the idea of being a ‘hot cake’ off your mind…do that…very important! Remember, humility is a beautiful thing…

I am an Advocate of Marriage

I am a Muslim who believes and bears witness that Allah azza wa jal is One and Only and is the Only one worthy of worship and I believe and bear witness that Prophet Muhammad suallal Laahu alayhi wa sallam is His, azza wa jal’s servant and last Messenger. So, what will not make me an advocate of marriage?

Rasuulullaah advocated for marriage and we try our very best to follow in his path. Looking at the state of ‘sexual chaos’ our Ummah is in, who dares to speak against marriage? I hope to explain ‘my marriage advocaciness more’ in my next BHM article in shaa Allah!

Remember me in your du’a always. As you pray for a brother or a sister, the noble Angels also do the same for you. Fair enough! All faults are mine and all praises and thanks are solely Allah azza wa jal’s. I love you for the sake of Allah solely. Assalaamu alaykum. Keep smiling to Jannah!

Rubaba  Mmahajia Rahma Sabtiu

www.beforehermarriage.blogspot.com before her marriage writings

www.mmahajia.blogspot.com my articles

www.strivingbeautifulsoul.blogspot.com my beautiful soul series

www.rubabawords.blogspot.com my poems

 

BHM: The Marriage Proposals and the ‘Whys’

Bismillaahir Rahmaanir Raheem

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullaahi wa Barkaatuhu

Allahumma sualli 'alaa sayyidinaa Muhammad wa 'alaa aalihii wa ashaabihi wa sallam

9th Rabi'al thani, 1436

Alhamdulillaah for absolutely everything. When we try to count our blessings which we can never be able to do, we get amazed by how much Allah azza wa jal has provided and is providing for us. Unfortunately however, most of us indeed are ungrateful to Allah subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa. We whine about everything. May Allah azza wa jal forgive us always. Aameen.

The Era of Excellence 

She Wanted More than a Man

She could finally see that this was a beautiful soul she had been blessed with as a worker. She saw deeply into this beauty and she needed and wanted to make him hers. This was a woman whom so many high ranking men in her society yearned for badly but she saw beyond them to one to whom she was a boss. She made her proposal therefore known to him.

Such was Nana Khadijah, radiyallaahu anhaa, the wife of Rasuulullaah, suallal Laahu alayhi wa sallam. She wanted a lot more than just a man.

A Wife for a Son

He was then the ‘Ameer-ul-Mu’mineen. On one of his famous night vigils, he overhears a mother and a daughter’s conversation. The mother wants to dilute their milk to increase their profit and this noble girl advises her against it because if Umar ibn al-Khattab, radiyallaahu anhu, who had ruled against diluting of milk, was not there, Allah azza wa jal was perfectly aware and seeing of them. This action had proven to Umar radiyallaahu anhu that indeed this daughter was a beautiful soul and for that matter, he thought, she should be a part of his family, marry one of his sons. He had told this girl;

‘Islam needs daughters like you and as a Khalifa of Islam, it devotes on me to reward you by owning you as a daughter.’

To his sons, he said;

‘Here is a gem of a girl who would make a great mother. I desire that one of you should take this girl as a wife. I know of no better bride than this girl of sterling character. In matters of wedlock, it should be the character and not the stature in life that should count.’

So his son, Asim, radiyallaahu anhu who was not married then, had married this girl and their great grandchild is the popular Umar Abdul Aziz (the second Umar). 

An Obviously Better Replacement

Abu Salamah radiyallaahu dies and his wife, Umm Salamah wonders whether she could get a husband like him ever. Prophet Muhammad suallal Laahu alayhi wa sallam, the best of creation, proposed marriage to her. That is how short-sighted our human selves are. Perhaps we have not understood the fact that Allah azza wa jal is definitely able to do all things. Perhaps, we will never really understand. She gave the Prophet suallal Laahu alayhi wa sallam three reasons why she could not marry him;

1.      She was a very jealous person (she cannot contain rivals).

2.      She was elderly

3.      She had children

Rasuulullaah had responded to each of these in the best of ways and so she joined the Ummahaat-ul-Mu’mineen, the Mothers of the Believers. And we must note that the Prophet suallal Laahu alayhi wa sallam, does not marry except women of Paradise.

Casting my Mind Back

I was fresh in level 100, University of Ghana. I MCed an interesting programme that got me going off in annoyance. I was told the ladies don’t take up those kinds of roles – MCing, so a lot of people were surprised a fresher could do that. Not my fault! I had the Girl’s school spirit running through me – smile to Jannah. This kind of put me in the public eye and it wasn’t totally pleasant. 

They had discussed about ‘grabbing,’ that is’ ‘finding a lady or a guy whom you hope to marry in future’ at the programme. Among the things that annoyed me and I couldn’t believe that Muslims could actually condone were;

1.      A guy takes the mic and says that if the Muslim ladies are proving difficult to grab, they will go for the non-Muslims and the Muslim ladies will be found wanting – that was annoying.

2.      A lady comes up and begins shouting, ‘Please come and grab me!’ – that was extra annoying.

The questions I had always asked with some of these proposals that some of the ladies in such an institution are not spared of are;

1.      What is the essence of the proposal? (the grabbing)

2.      After the proposal, ‘grabbing, ‘what next?

I have found myself compulsoryly listening to a guy who wanted to grab me one day at a very late hour. Among the reasons he gave for wanting so badly to grab me were that he likes the way I talk and walk. Keep smiling. That was interesting and annoying. In the long run, it was that; 

‘Be my girl now. When I am done with school (that is after a year), finish my service, get a job, then we get married.’

Now, why am I telling this story? I want us to take a cursory look at the stories of the marriage proposals of the era of excellence and compare it with this and many others I cannot write about and then let us all analyse the state of the Ummah. I can’t say you should smile. I can’t.

Back to the Era of Excellence

Yearning for a Great Lineage

Umar ibn al-Khattab, radiyallaahu anhu had wanted to marry the daughter of Abubakar, radiyallaahu anhu because he yearned to join his lineage with that of such a noble man. The girl had declined his proposal. Then he had sought for the granddaughter of the noblest of creations, rasuulullaah and then she became his wife.

 

The Great Loss, the Greater Gain

Her husband has suddenly left Islam and died afterwards. Her father was then an ardent enemy of Islam but she was strong and firm in her faith in the Prophet of Allah and what he preached. She was far away in another man’s land. Then her dream of being called; ‘Mother of the Believers’ had suddenly come true when the Prophet suallal Laahu alayhi wa sallam had proposed marriage to her. Her little loss (the apostasy and death of her husband) and now her greater gain (marriage to the best of men). Such was the story of Ramlah bint Abu Sufyan (Umm Habiba) radiyallaahu anhaa.

A Man Could Sign Such a Marriage Contract

Now, I am really inspired and over impressed with the strength of will and eemaan that a woman of our times, Zeinab al-Gazali had. Interesting enough is an aspect of her marriage contract which said;

‘…let trust', she said, 'be full between us. A full trust between a man and a woman, a woman who, at the age of 18, gave her whole life to Allah and da'wah. In the event of any clash between the marriage contract's interest and that of da'wah, our marriage will end, but da'wah will always remain rooted in me…. I know that it is your right to command me and that it is my duty to obey you, but God in our souls is greater than our souls, and His da'wah is dearer to us than ourselves…’

What could make a man sign such a marriage contract? Well, read the book, ‘the Return of Pharaoh’ by Zeinab al-Gazali and the answer will come clear to you. She was a woman who was worth such a sacrifice from a man who knew her essence.

A Man in Search of the Best for a Daughter

Hafsah, radiyallaahu anhaa, had lost her husband and her father goes from one top sahaaba to the other to give his daughter to them but they all do not show interest in them. Little did he know that Allah azza wa jal had a greater plan for him, to marry his daughter to the best of men, Rasuulullaah suallal Laahu alayhi wa sallam.

A Woman From Jannah (Paradise)

Among the beloved of people to the Prophet Muhammad suallal Laahu alayhi wa sallam was Barakah popularly known as Umm Ayman, radiyallaahu anhaa. One day, the Prophet said about this woman, who was like a mother to him (she had been his nanny from the time he was born), he said;

‘Should one of you desire to marry a woman from the people of Paradise, let him marry Umm Ayman.’

Now, who does not desire this? Keep smiling!

Zaid ibn Harithah radiyallaahu anhu, another beloved of the Prophet had come forward to marry her. They had given birth to one of the best of the sahaaba (companions of the Prophet) called Osama ibn Zaid, radiyallaahu anhu. 

These are stories we must go back to in order to extract the lessons to live our lives. We must not just read them for reading sake but we must passionately seek out the lessons in them. In an era where we are so obsessed about getting married (good thing though) without knowing exactly what we should be looking out for in our spouses and how we can do it for the sake of Allah azza wa jal (it is 50 percent, that is not a joke), we simply have to go back to the era of excellence for lessons. 

She Married Him Anyway

Julaybeeb, radiyallaahu anhu, was known as the sahaaba who was unpleasant to the sight (describe as very ugly). He did not have any social standing and friends. His lineage was even unknown yet he had been a beloved of Rasuulullaah suallal Laahu alayhi wa sallam. Such was the Prophet, extremely amazing. The Prophet sought a noble woman’s hand in marriage for Julaybeeb. The lady’s family had been overwhelmed at such a proposal. How could they stoop so low as to marry their princess to such an unpleasant man. This noble lady upon finding out that it was the Prophet who was seeking her hand in marriage for Julaybeeb, agreed to marry him.

Soon after the marriage, Julaybeeb got martyred in one of the battles and many men of high social and religious standing wanted to marry this woman for the barakah (blessing) she carried.

Before Her Marriage

The essence of this article is to make sisters think about the reasons for which men married the women of old, who were blessed with the best of character. If a male reads this, he may as well take lessons for what he should be looking for in a woman as a wife. 

Obviously, marriage to them meant a lot more than having someone to have intimacy, children, conversation, etc, with. They needed to use their marriage as a means to attain a high status before Allah azza wa jal both in this Dunya and the Akhirah. So when they searched, they wanted beautiful hearts and souls whom they could tell, will aid them to achieve their aim of attaining the best of what Allah azza wa jal could offer them in this Dunya and the Akhirah.

What About Us Today

To my sisters, when a man who is not ready to marry you or who is unable to marry you proposes to you and you agree to this proposal (and that is the lifestyle of most of the men of today, even some of the seemingly religious ones), ask yourself;

‘What will the two of you be doing with yourselves?’

Note: There are some cases where the right thing could be done between two people who express interest in each other for marriage long before they marry due to very tangible reasons but most of the stories have not been pleasant and we can only caution ourselves against it. 

An Advice to the Sisters

Work at being the best of servants to Allah azza wa jal as you can and pray that when making a choice of a spouse for you, He, subhaanahu wa ta ‘aalaa will let that person marry you for the kind of reasons the men of old married the women of old. Smiles! So that at the end of the day, your marriage will be one that serves as a means towards your Jannah here in this Dunya and the Akhirah.

An Advice to the Man Who Might Read This

And this has always been my advice to all my male ‘friends’ who want so badly to marry but are not able to do so now. 

‘Try hard to concentrate your energy on your ability to marry before you go proposing to ladies even when you are afraid you might lose them. Whatever is meant to be yours will be yours. Do the right thing. Smiles.’

Alhamdulillaah! Lengthy! But of course, reading adds unto you. Never be lazy at doing it. I pray and hope that this will touch someone’s heart for the better. May Allah azza wa jal always forgive our shortfalls and grant us the best of what He offers His servants in this Dunya and the Akhirah. Jazaakumullaahu khair!

Rubaba  Mmahajia Rahma Sabtiu

www.beforehermarriage.blogspot.com before her marriage writings

www.mmahajia.blogspot.com my articles

www.strivingbeautifulsoul.blogspot.com my beautiful soul series

www.rubabawords.blogspot.com my poems