MARRIAGE: The Bitter Pill and the Advice

5th Muharram, 1437                                                Bismillaahir Rahmaanir Raheem

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullaahi wa Barkaatuhu brothers and sisters in Islam. Alhamdulillaah for the uncountable blessings that Allah azza wa jal bestows upon us every second of our lives, the ones that we are aware of and the ones that we are ignorant of. May Allah azza wa jal increase us in eemaan, grant us the highest of ihsaan and make us companions of the best of creations, Rasuulullaah, suallallaahu alayhi wa sallam and the sahaaba in the best of Jannah. Aameen.

So, straight to the point…

The Marriage Picture

So, I was just a stubborn girl (woman, smiles), who was simply refusing to marry…don’t laugh too hard. For some, the word ‘refusing’ best fit my singleness. But of course, for me, it was all about; life was way beyond just marriage…Don’t get angry just yet! (Smiles). If it will happen, it will at the right time and with the one that Allah azza wa jal out of His infinite ilm (knowledge) and hikma (wisdom) chooses for me. I was not going to force myself to do it when I do not feel it in my heart that I wanted to…I am a heart-matters freak…you know (smile to Jannah). And I see yet the need to repeat this;

‘I am a marriage advocate; whether early or a little late based on positive circumstances.’

Keep smiling!

So, I let myself be whilst I studied about marriage from both the married ones around me, from videos and from books (Note: there is more to marriage than what books and videos and all will tell you…you’ve got to do it and chill – smiles). And I would say that I feel my strange nature show a lot more (all my friends say I am strange…I guess it is true) when I look at my understanding of what marriage should be against the general outlook of marriage that I see…I felt, maybe, we all needed a relook at the whole ‘marriage game.’

When I Decided

So, I find myself constantly telling and begging Allah azza wa jal to give me the ability to recognise the one He, subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa, has chosen for me. I prayed not to say no even if it were against my will. I prayed to be able to feel a connection with that person with my heart…heart-matters freak…remember? It wasn’t that I should love the person, no…but be pleased with the person…content! Even before the love.

So, I met him and the first word was ‘Subhaanallaah’ and I hope that the end will be likewise… and alhamdulillaah, the marriage was done quickkklllyyy! (Smile to Jannah).

The Overflowing Advice

Before and after marriage, the advice kept flowing. A lot more of it on the marriage day itself…interesting if you will ask me. And I am a ponderer…I think it is one of the things I do most of the time…so, I had, been and I am still pondering…on the advice of course.

Some of the advice given made me ask myself simply;

‘So then, why should I bother getting married? Should I just stay single, trying to play it clean with Allah azza wa jal, live an influential life and die peacefully, hoping for Allah’s forgiveness and Rahma on my soul?’

Yes! And that was because, even before you enter the marriage, some people, perhaps due to their experiences, already make you understand that you are about to swallow a bitter pill and you just have to be patient through the bitterness until whenever Allah azza wa jal wanted the swallowing process to end; either through a break-up along the way or death?

Question: Why will I subject myself to swallowing a bitter pill just for swallowing sake when I do not even know how the end result of swallowing this pill will be; bad or good?

Some of the advice given made it seem like marriage was the ‘end’ to achieving the purpose of life and never a ‘means’ to that and that was totally against my understanding of what marriage was. Then the conflict process with the popular stand of marriage in the eyes of the society against my understanding began deep in my mind.

Another thing I kept thinking about, and I had been thinking about that for years, is the issue of worshipping against serving the husband. Well, from all the advice given, the women were only trying to say one thing;

‘Worship your husband.’

And that could not settle down well with me. For me, it was wrong in itself. I thought that one of the beauties of marriage laid in the simple rule that the husband and wife must ‘serve’ each other (I guess women think they do not get served…smiles); only that this service came in different forms. I also believed too well that a woman must be submissive to the husband of course but this submission is a beautiful thing and not as slave-like as some of us portrayed it to be. I thought…

‘Why should I not let my husband know when he offends me in some way? Is it not better than keeping it within me and cursing him whilst serving him smilingly?’

That; by my little understanding of the rules of any kind of relationship with another person in Islam; was un-Islamic. Unfortunately however; that is what majority of these women think it should be. They think that the wife must never show it even if she is annoyed with her husband because her Jannah was under her husband’s feet. But, Subhaanallaah, did Allah azza wa jal not create the husband and wife as companions who will answer for and against one another on the Day of Reckoning? So, why not settle issues with the husband instead of pretending all is well and then going to complain your pain to friends and family and Allah azza wa jal? Ponder!

Now, let me hold it there before I change the topic. My simple advice to myself and to everyone intending to marry is;

‘Enter marriage with complete sincerity for the sake of Allah azza wa jal and with an intention to try your maximum best to give your spouse all his/her rights upon you in the best way possible.’

In this case, whatever happens, you always look back to who and why you did it and from that you will draw the joy and the strength to keep each other going and happily too.

That One Advice

So, people said everything. Some I agreed with, some I didn’t and some I knew I had to work on for sure. Then this woman came to give me an advice I think every couple should have hanging in their foreheads (smile to Jannah) from day one of their marriage until the end; however short or long their marriage lasts.

She was my mother’s friend and a very good person like my mum (you know, right!). She stared at me with mixed feelings. She was sad and happy. She was sad because mum and I were very close and I was going to move away and then she was happy because of course, marriage is a GOOD THING and it is the joy of every parent to see their child get married and start a life of his/her own. I knew this mixed feelings of hers even before she mentioned it…smile to Jannah!

Then her advice;

‘You know something Mmahajia. Before marriage, you will realize that no matter how long or short you have known your husband, you will hardly have problems with him. Even when he says something annoying, you might not get angry at all and he might not get angry with you when you also do the same to him. The interesting thing however is that; the moment you begin to live together as husband and wife, SHAYTAAN FORCEFULLY makes himself your THIRD COMPANION. Now, you will realize that the thing your husband does or says that will not have made you angry when you were not married will make you annoyed and angry very easily this time around. So you will both find yourselves getting at each other’s neck and your heart does not feel at peace with each other.’

Yaa Salaam! I kept quiet and paid attention to her every word. She seemed to be saying this from a typical experience and she was making sure that I gulped down her every word with the understanding that came along with it. She continued…

‘However, if you are able to recognise this SHAYTAAN easily and be aware of him and his mischief, then you work at putting him to shame; then you will find yourselves pardoning each other for the wrong you might do to each other and also giving each other positive excuses for every happening. When you keep that up, you tire Shaytaan until he gets fed up and finds his way away from you. Then marriage becomes what it was meant to be; ‘a place of pure sweet companionship.’’

That was enough. And this advice I thought was not only different and awesome but needed, at least, somewhere along every marriage and this advice was also worth sharing so I shared it with you. Keep smiling! Read this advice again and again, grab the understanding in it and let it live with you forever as you pray to Allah azza wa jal to give you the ability to implement its lessons in your marriage and other relationships.

May Allah azza wa jal be the custodian of our marriages and bless every one of us with the best of spouse who will be a source of the best of Jannah. Aameen Yaa Waduud Yaa Lateef Yaa Rahmaan Yaa Raheem Yaa Wahhaab Yaa Quddus. Let us not forget one another in our du’a.

Jazaakumullaahu khairan!

Love fiisabilillaah

Rubaba Mmahajia Rahma Sabtiu

www.strivingbeautifulsoul.blogspot.com
www.mmahajia.blogspot.com

www.letterstomydotas.blogspot.com 
www.rubabawords.blogspot.com
www.beforehermarriage.blogspot.com

BHM: The Hot Cake Feel…

Bismillaahir Rahmaanir Raheem

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullaahi wa Barkaatuhu

Allahumma sualli 'alaa sayyidinaa Muhammad wa 'alaa aalihii wa ashaabihi wa sallam

14th Rabi'al thani, 1436

Alhamdulillaah for the good times and the seemingly bad times…

Du’a

 May Allah, Al-Mujeeb, bless every Muslim man and woman with the best of spouses who will help them in this Dunya to get closer to Him, azza wa jal, and in the Akhira, to be counted among His, azza wa jal’s most beloveds. Aameen Yaa Affuw!

The Cake is hot

Ok, I am smiling right now…Question: Are you a fun of cakes? Well, for those who are…how do you want it? Hot? Cold? Heheheee! Now, I have heard this statement a number of times;

‘You are a hot cake’

Not referring to me specifically (smile to Jannah). So, I just checked the definition of a ‘hot cake.’ Interesting find…

‘To be in great demand…’

It goes to mean that ‘hot cakes’ are on high demand whether ‘the edible one’ or the ‘human one.’ But of course, if you aren’t a fun of cake, you don’t care how it is packaged, hot or cold; you simply don’t want it…keep smiling!

I Recall a Particular Night

We had just finished our Ladies’ Wing Executives meeting and began to chit chat. An issue of marriage proposals on campus came up and a lady made a comment. She said;

‘If you are a Muslim lady on campus and no guy on campus has ever proposed to you, then you should mind your character. Perhaps you are doing something wrong.’

Note: That is in my words…can’t quote her exactly, it’s been long.

Of course, I disagreed and I didn’t fail to let her know that. Alhamdulillaah, my argument seemed to make sense to them then. Now, let me try to emphasize on these issues of proposals again. And I am doing this for the selfish reason of letting my sisters whom I have seen being affected by the issues I am going to raise, in a negative manner, understand that life is better when we look at things another way. Keep smiling! Now let us look at the two extremes (I don’t want to toe the middle path on this issue).

No Proposals Coming

Honestly, I have never met that lady who has never had a marriage (some of them actually mean be my girlfriend because after getting what they want selfishly, they dump the girl) proposal before. Sometimes though, it is the nature of the people who propose…nothing to write home about!

Yet, let us look at a scenario of a lady who has virtually never been proposed to. We tell such a lady;

‘There is probably something wrong with you. May be, you aren’t good looking (cho! I have seen people who were considered by some as ugly who are being loved elsewhere as wives…beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder remember), you are from a very poor home (many have married typically poor ladies and they are happy), bad character (well, even those ladies get their husbands…some men do not look at character, they simply don’t care – though they come with their own pack of troubles), too old (And this one is very laughable, considering the fact that many of our Muslim guys make a fuss of this. Almost warning the young ladies to marry at young ages because when they grow no one will want them. That is interesting! I am an advocate of marriage. Will explain that later. Interesting enough, I have been searching for grown up Muslimahs for some couple of guys with so much difficulty recently…smiles…so, what are they talking about? ), etc.’ 

What I will tell my Muslimah sister who is worrying her head too much over the fact that the men (good men of course) are not coming is that;

‘Worry not! Just make sure that you are being the good girl that Allah azza wa jal wants you to be. That is all. Do not question how Allah azza wa jal created you and the situations He has put you in even if you think those are the causes of the lack of proposals. Incline yourself to Allah! Concentrate on Him! And make du’a with a peaceful and calm mind, heart and soul as you enjoy your life. In His, azza wa jal’s own time, the man He intends for you will come. And note too well, do not make a mistake of accepting just anybody due to pressure. No, don’t! Wait on Allah azza wa jal and keep smiling.’

Now, I keep telling one of my sisters that she should thank and praise Allah azza wa jal for the fact that men do not rush on her for marriage. Yes, I did. Unknowingly, she didn’t really understand why I said that. Of course, everyone thinks it is ‘super wow’ to have the men (good men of course…I don’t have time for men who want to play) all over you for marriage and I guess my friend thought so too.

A lot later (a year or more), my friend confesses to me how she has come to really understand my point on this issue. She was challenged with being emotionally attached to a man and getting over him was almost impossible. Now, she thinks;

‘How will it be for her if she was going to have lots of them, good ones, coming her way?’

She was definitely going to keep falling and rising (which is the difficult thing). I hope you get my point.

There are those Muslimahs who like a different Muslim guy every other day (exaggerations…smiles) and there are those whose hearts are hard to penetrate (believe it). My friend looks at how hard it was for her to get over just a guy and then she compares herself with one who seems to have the proposals coming at all angles yet is unperturbed (heart not shaken) and she connects this whole thing to what Allah azza wa jal tells us in Surat Al-Baqarah, the Cow, Chapter 2 ayah 286;

‘Allah does not impose upon any soul a duty but to the extent of its ability…’

Allah is great beyond our imagination indeed. Alhamdulillaah! When we ponder deeply, we realize that everything, absolutely everything that He azza wa jal does is completely perfect even when we don’t like it.

Too Many Proposals

Yes, there are those Muslimahs who get so many marriage proposals from good men of course. It could probably be due to many reasons. Perhaps; their beauty, wealth, status, religious inclination or some more others.

And just like the one who receives no proposals sometimes finds herself in a distressed situation, the one who has many proposals also has her own troubles which might either go against her or favour her.

Before anyone wonders why the one who receives many proposals will not just marry, let me give us a gist on why some Muslimahs do not marry as early as expected (People will always have their expectations). Smiles!

1.      It is the decree of the Mighty and Majestic Allah. Analyse that one.

2.      She might have some troubles (health, finance, family, etc…the list is endless).

3.      Perhaps, she is being choosy.

Being Choosy

Well, I believe, everyone, male or female has the right to be choosy about whom their spouse becomes noting too well that their choosiness might either work for them or against them.

It will work for them in the sense that they might end up getting exactly what they are looking for or better. It will work against them in the sense that they might end up having to stop their choosiness and make do with what they can have. Keep smiling!

What the Muslimah who receives lots of marriage proposals must make sure of is that;

‘She is not turning them down for selfish reasons. She is not looking for some weird things in a man. That her reasons for turning them down, however good they might seem, must not be a selfish one but for the sake of Allah. She must make sure that whatever it is she is looking for in a man is towards seeking the pleasure of Allah azza wa jal. She must ensure that when she is not getting married whilst others expect that she should, it must be towards His pleasure only. Then Allah azza wa jal will take care of her affairs beautifully in shaa Allah.’

Two Issues with the ‘Hot Cakeness’

1.      How the ‘Hot Cake’ Turns Proposals Down

Ok, so, many proposals keep coming. You do not want them…so then what do you do? Turn them down. Simple! It is not fair, never, that a man proposes marriage to you and then you keep him on hold when you know too well that you do not want him. If you do not want him, tell him the very moment you make that confirmation. And do so in the best of ways; respectfully…diplomatically…keep smiling.

It is absolutely unfortunate if a good Muslimah keeps holding marriage proposals in the air…giving the men hope…when she is clearly not interested. There are of course situations where the Muslimah is not sure whether she is interested or not; but whatever be the case…be sincere and let him go in the best of ways.

Another thing also is that the Muslimah must make a sincere du’a for this proposer. Yes! He saw something in you that pulled him to you. You could simply make this du’a for him or a better one;

‘May Allah azza wa jal bless you with a spouse who is better than me’

And then you move on with your life. We do not also forget the men who never let go.

Those Who Never Let Go

Yes, there are those men who never let go. They will not accept a no from you no matter how you try to make them understand. Some of them do so for good reasons and some of them…well…

What a Muslimah has to know however is; perhaps in the long run, this person might win her over and become her husband or he may not. For that reason, she should handle this person with care and caution. If she says no, she has to be careful how she relates with him. She must not continue to increase his hopes when she knows she does not want him. Another thing she can do is;

Suggest a Sister to a Brother

Yes! That is the beauty of this Deen. When a good man proposes and you cannot accept, then it is beautiful that you recommend a good sister to him if you know one. He might accept to weigh his chance there or he may not show interest. Whatever be the case, you have tried your best and life is really all about trying your best. Keep smiling!

2.      Don’t Let it Get into Your Head

Now, no matter how ‘hot’ a ‘cake’ you are, or you think you are, or people think you are, never ever let it make you proud and arrogant. Yes, never! There are those people who think that as for them, when they want to marry, they have a variety of men to choose from and then they go about saying it with pride and feeling on top of others who are probably having a hard time getting good marriage proposals. Once a lady told me;

‘As for me, if I want to marry this very second, all I have to do is just call any of the many men who want me and then they will run to marry me.’

Note: In my words…it’s been long…

Well, I smiled at it and brushed it off…she was obviously full of herself…negative pride and arrogance is an ugly thing indeed. Save yourself of it. Just keep making du’a for the men who come to you whom you don’t want as you make du’a for yourself and brush the idea of being a ‘hot cake’ off your mind…do that…very important! Remember, humility is a beautiful thing…

I am an Advocate of Marriage

I am a Muslim who believes and bears witness that Allah azza wa jal is One and Only and is the Only one worthy of worship and I believe and bear witness that Prophet Muhammad suallal Laahu alayhi wa sallam is His, azza wa jal’s servant and last Messenger. So, what will not make me an advocate of marriage?

Rasuulullaah advocated for marriage and we try our very best to follow in his path. Looking at the state of ‘sexual chaos’ our Ummah is in, who dares to speak against marriage? I hope to explain ‘my marriage advocaciness more’ in my next BHM article in shaa Allah!

Remember me in your du’a always. As you pray for a brother or a sister, the noble Angels also do the same for you. Fair enough! All faults are mine and all praises and thanks are solely Allah azza wa jal’s. I love you for the sake of Allah solely. Assalaamu alaykum. Keep smiling to Jannah!

Rubaba  Mmahajia Rahma Sabtiu

www.beforehermarriage.blogspot.com before her marriage writings

www.mmahajia.blogspot.com my articles

www.strivingbeautifulsoul.blogspot.com my beautiful soul series

www.rubabawords.blogspot.com my poems