5th Muharram, 1437 Bismillaahir
Rahmaanir Raheem
Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullaahi wa Barkaatuhu
brothers and sisters in Islam. Alhamdulillaah for the uncountable blessings
that Allah azza wa jal bestows upon us every second of our lives, the ones that
we are aware of and the ones that we are ignorant of. May Allah azza wa jal
increase us in eemaan, grant us the highest of ihsaan and make us companions of
the best of creations, Rasuulullaah, suallallaahu alayhi wa sallam and the
sahaaba in the best of Jannah. Aameen.
So, straight to the point…
The Marriage
Picture
So, I was just a stubborn girl (woman, smiles), who was
simply refusing to marry…don’t laugh too hard. For some, the word ‘refusing’
best fit my singleness. But of course, for me, it was all about; life was way
beyond just marriage…Don’t get angry just yet! (Smiles). If it will happen, it
will at the right time and with the one that Allah azza wa jal out of His
infinite ilm (knowledge) and hikma (wisdom) chooses for me. I was not going to
force myself to do it when I do not feel it in my heart that I wanted to…I am a
heart-matters freak…you know (smile to Jannah). And I see yet the need to
repeat this;
‘I am a marriage
advocate; whether early or a little late based on positive circumstances.’
Keep smiling!
So, I let myself be whilst I studied about marriage
from both the married ones around me, from videos and from books (Note: there
is more to marriage than what books and videos and all will tell you…you’ve got
to do it and chill – smiles). And I would say that I feel my strange nature
show a lot more (all my friends say I am strange…I guess it is true) when I
look at my understanding of what marriage should be against the general outlook
of marriage that I see…I felt, maybe, we all needed a relook at the whole
‘marriage game.’
When I Decided
So, I find myself constantly telling and begging Allah
azza wa jal to give me the ability to recognise the one He, subhaanahu wa
ta’aalaa, has chosen for me. I prayed not to say no even if it were against my
will. I prayed to be able to feel a connection with that person with my
heart…heart-matters freak…remember? It wasn’t that I should love the person,
no…but be pleased with the person…content! Even before the love.
So, I met him and the first word was ‘Subhaanallaah’
and I hope that the end will be likewise… and alhamdulillaah, the marriage was
done quickkklllyyy! (Smile to Jannah).
The Overflowing
Advice
Before and after marriage, the advice kept flowing. A
lot more of it on the marriage day itself…interesting if you will ask me. And I
am a ponderer…I think it is one of the things I do most of the time…so, I had,
been and I am still pondering…on the advice of course.
Some of the advice given made me ask myself simply;
‘So then, why
should I bother getting married? Should I just stay single, trying to play it
clean with Allah azza wa jal, live an influential life and die peacefully,
hoping for Allah’s forgiveness and Rahma on my soul?’
Yes! And that was because, even before you enter the
marriage, some people, perhaps due to their experiences, already make you
understand that you are about to swallow a bitter pill and you just have to be
patient through the bitterness until whenever Allah azza wa jal wanted the
swallowing process to end; either through a break-up along the way or death?
Question: Why
will I subject myself to swallowing a bitter pill just for swallowing sake when
I do not even know how the end result of swallowing this pill will be; bad or
good?
Some of the advice given made it seem like marriage was
the ‘end’ to achieving the purpose of life and never a ‘means’ to that and that
was totally against my understanding of what marriage was. Then the conflict
process with the popular stand of marriage in the eyes of the society against
my understanding began deep in my mind.
Another thing I kept thinking about, and I had been
thinking about that for years, is the issue of worshipping against serving the
husband. Well, from all the advice given, the women were only trying to say one
thing;
‘Worship your
husband.’
And that could not settle down well with me. For me, it
was wrong in itself. I thought that one of the beauties of marriage laid in the
simple rule that the husband and wife must ‘serve’ each other (I guess women
think they do not get served…smiles); only that this service came in different
forms. I also believed too well that a woman must be submissive to the husband
of course but this submission is a beautiful thing and not as slave-like as
some of us portrayed it to be. I thought…
‘Why should I not
let my husband know when he offends me in some way? Is it not better than
keeping it within me and cursing him whilst serving him smilingly?’
That; by my little understanding of the rules of any
kind of relationship with another person in Islam; was un-Islamic.
Unfortunately however; that is what majority of these women think it should be.
They think that the wife must never show it even if she is annoyed with her
husband because her Jannah was under her husband’s feet. But, Subhaanallaah,
did Allah azza wa jal not create the husband and wife as companions who will
answer for and against one another on the Day of Reckoning? So, why not settle
issues with the husband instead of pretending all is well and then going to
complain your pain to friends and family and Allah azza wa jal? Ponder!
Now, let me hold it there before I change the topic. My
simple advice to myself and to everyone intending to marry is;
‘Enter marriage
with complete sincerity for the sake of Allah azza wa jal and with an intention
to try your maximum best to give your spouse all his/her rights upon you in the
best way possible.’
In this case, whatever happens, you always look back to
who and why you did it and from that you will draw the joy and the strength to
keep each other going and happily too.
That One Advice
So, people said everything. Some I agreed with, some I
didn’t and some I knew I had to work on for sure. Then this woman came to give
me an advice I think every couple should have hanging in their foreheads (smile
to Jannah) from day one of their marriage until the end; however short or long
their marriage lasts.
She was my mother’s friend and a very good person like
my mum (you know, right!). She stared at me with mixed feelings. She was sad
and happy. She was sad because mum and I were very close and I was going to
move away and then she was happy because of course, marriage is a GOOD THING
and it is the joy of every parent to see their child get married and start a
life of his/her own. I knew this mixed feelings of hers even before she
mentioned it…smile to Jannah!
Then her advice;
‘You know something
Mmahajia. Before marriage, you will realize that no matter how long or short
you have known your husband, you will hardly have problems with him. Even when
he says something annoying, you might not get angry at all and he might not get
angry with you when you also do the same to him. The interesting thing however
is that; the moment you begin to live together as husband and wife, SHAYTAAN
FORCEFULLY makes himself your THIRD COMPANION. Now, you will realize that the
thing your husband does or says that will not have made you angry when you were
not married will make you annoyed and angry very easily this time around. So you
will both find yourselves getting at each other’s neck and your heart does not
feel at peace with each other.’
Yaa Salaam! I kept quiet and paid attention to her
every word. She seemed to be saying this from a typical experience and she was
making sure that I gulped down her every word with the understanding that came
along with it. She continued…
‘However, if you
are able to recognise this SHAYTAAN easily and be aware of him and his
mischief, then you work at putting him to shame; then you will find yourselves
pardoning each other for the wrong you might do to each other and also giving
each other positive excuses for every happening. When you keep that up, you
tire Shaytaan until he gets fed up and finds his way away from you. Then
marriage becomes what it was meant to be; ‘a place of pure sweet
companionship.’’
That was enough. And this advice I thought was not only
different and awesome but needed, at least, somewhere along every marriage and
this advice was also worth sharing so I shared it with you. Keep smiling! Read
this advice again and again, grab the understanding in it and let it live with
you forever as you pray to Allah azza wa jal to give you the ability to
implement its lessons in your marriage and other relationships.
May Allah azza wa jal be the custodian of our marriages
and bless every one of us with the best of spouse who will be a source of the
best of Jannah. Aameen Yaa Waduud Yaa Lateef Yaa Rahmaan Yaa Raheem Yaa Wahhaab
Yaa Quddus. Let us not forget one another in our du’a.
Jazaakumullaahu
khairan!
Love
fiisabilillaah
Rubaba Mmahajia Rahma Sabtiu
