MARRIAGE: The Bitter Pill and the Advice

5th Muharram, 1437                                                Bismillaahir Rahmaanir Raheem

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullaahi wa Barkaatuhu brothers and sisters in Islam. Alhamdulillaah for the uncountable blessings that Allah azza wa jal bestows upon us every second of our lives, the ones that we are aware of and the ones that we are ignorant of. May Allah azza wa jal increase us in eemaan, grant us the highest of ihsaan and make us companions of the best of creations, Rasuulullaah, suallallaahu alayhi wa sallam and the sahaaba in the best of Jannah. Aameen.

So, straight to the point…

The Marriage Picture

So, I was just a stubborn girl (woman, smiles), who was simply refusing to marry…don’t laugh too hard. For some, the word ‘refusing’ best fit my singleness. But of course, for me, it was all about; life was way beyond just marriage…Don’t get angry just yet! (Smiles). If it will happen, it will at the right time and with the one that Allah azza wa jal out of His infinite ilm (knowledge) and hikma (wisdom) chooses for me. I was not going to force myself to do it when I do not feel it in my heart that I wanted to…I am a heart-matters freak…you know (smile to Jannah). And I see yet the need to repeat this;

‘I am a marriage advocate; whether early or a little late based on positive circumstances.’

Keep smiling!

So, I let myself be whilst I studied about marriage from both the married ones around me, from videos and from books (Note: there is more to marriage than what books and videos and all will tell you…you’ve got to do it and chill – smiles). And I would say that I feel my strange nature show a lot more (all my friends say I am strange…I guess it is true) when I look at my understanding of what marriage should be against the general outlook of marriage that I see…I felt, maybe, we all needed a relook at the whole ‘marriage game.’

When I Decided

So, I find myself constantly telling and begging Allah azza wa jal to give me the ability to recognise the one He, subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa, has chosen for me. I prayed not to say no even if it were against my will. I prayed to be able to feel a connection with that person with my heart…heart-matters freak…remember? It wasn’t that I should love the person, no…but be pleased with the person…content! Even before the love.

So, I met him and the first word was ‘Subhaanallaah’ and I hope that the end will be likewise… and alhamdulillaah, the marriage was done quickkklllyyy! (Smile to Jannah).

The Overflowing Advice

Before and after marriage, the advice kept flowing. A lot more of it on the marriage day itself…interesting if you will ask me. And I am a ponderer…I think it is one of the things I do most of the time…so, I had, been and I am still pondering…on the advice of course.

Some of the advice given made me ask myself simply;

‘So then, why should I bother getting married? Should I just stay single, trying to play it clean with Allah azza wa jal, live an influential life and die peacefully, hoping for Allah’s forgiveness and Rahma on my soul?’

Yes! And that was because, even before you enter the marriage, some people, perhaps due to their experiences, already make you understand that you are about to swallow a bitter pill and you just have to be patient through the bitterness until whenever Allah azza wa jal wanted the swallowing process to end; either through a break-up along the way or death?

Question: Why will I subject myself to swallowing a bitter pill just for swallowing sake when I do not even know how the end result of swallowing this pill will be; bad or good?

Some of the advice given made it seem like marriage was the ‘end’ to achieving the purpose of life and never a ‘means’ to that and that was totally against my understanding of what marriage was. Then the conflict process with the popular stand of marriage in the eyes of the society against my understanding began deep in my mind.

Another thing I kept thinking about, and I had been thinking about that for years, is the issue of worshipping against serving the husband. Well, from all the advice given, the women were only trying to say one thing;

‘Worship your husband.’

And that could not settle down well with me. For me, it was wrong in itself. I thought that one of the beauties of marriage laid in the simple rule that the husband and wife must ‘serve’ each other (I guess women think they do not get served…smiles); only that this service came in different forms. I also believed too well that a woman must be submissive to the husband of course but this submission is a beautiful thing and not as slave-like as some of us portrayed it to be. I thought…

‘Why should I not let my husband know when he offends me in some way? Is it not better than keeping it within me and cursing him whilst serving him smilingly?’

That; by my little understanding of the rules of any kind of relationship with another person in Islam; was un-Islamic. Unfortunately however; that is what majority of these women think it should be. They think that the wife must never show it even if she is annoyed with her husband because her Jannah was under her husband’s feet. But, Subhaanallaah, did Allah azza wa jal not create the husband and wife as companions who will answer for and against one another on the Day of Reckoning? So, why not settle issues with the husband instead of pretending all is well and then going to complain your pain to friends and family and Allah azza wa jal? Ponder!

Now, let me hold it there before I change the topic. My simple advice to myself and to everyone intending to marry is;

‘Enter marriage with complete sincerity for the sake of Allah azza wa jal and with an intention to try your maximum best to give your spouse all his/her rights upon you in the best way possible.’

In this case, whatever happens, you always look back to who and why you did it and from that you will draw the joy and the strength to keep each other going and happily too.

That One Advice

So, people said everything. Some I agreed with, some I didn’t and some I knew I had to work on for sure. Then this woman came to give me an advice I think every couple should have hanging in their foreheads (smile to Jannah) from day one of their marriage until the end; however short or long their marriage lasts.

She was my mother’s friend and a very good person like my mum (you know, right!). She stared at me with mixed feelings. She was sad and happy. She was sad because mum and I were very close and I was going to move away and then she was happy because of course, marriage is a GOOD THING and it is the joy of every parent to see their child get married and start a life of his/her own. I knew this mixed feelings of hers even before she mentioned it…smile to Jannah!

Then her advice;

‘You know something Mmahajia. Before marriage, you will realize that no matter how long or short you have known your husband, you will hardly have problems with him. Even when he says something annoying, you might not get angry at all and he might not get angry with you when you also do the same to him. The interesting thing however is that; the moment you begin to live together as husband and wife, SHAYTAAN FORCEFULLY makes himself your THIRD COMPANION. Now, you will realize that the thing your husband does or says that will not have made you angry when you were not married will make you annoyed and angry very easily this time around. So you will both find yourselves getting at each other’s neck and your heart does not feel at peace with each other.’

Yaa Salaam! I kept quiet and paid attention to her every word. She seemed to be saying this from a typical experience and she was making sure that I gulped down her every word with the understanding that came along with it. She continued…

‘However, if you are able to recognise this SHAYTAAN easily and be aware of him and his mischief, then you work at putting him to shame; then you will find yourselves pardoning each other for the wrong you might do to each other and also giving each other positive excuses for every happening. When you keep that up, you tire Shaytaan until he gets fed up and finds his way away from you. Then marriage becomes what it was meant to be; ‘a place of pure sweet companionship.’’

That was enough. And this advice I thought was not only different and awesome but needed, at least, somewhere along every marriage and this advice was also worth sharing so I shared it with you. Keep smiling! Read this advice again and again, grab the understanding in it and let it live with you forever as you pray to Allah azza wa jal to give you the ability to implement its lessons in your marriage and other relationships.

May Allah azza wa jal be the custodian of our marriages and bless every one of us with the best of spouse who will be a source of the best of Jannah. Aameen Yaa Waduud Yaa Lateef Yaa Rahmaan Yaa Raheem Yaa Wahhaab Yaa Quddus. Let us not forget one another in our du’a.

Jazaakumullaahu khairan!

Love fiisabilillaah

Rubaba Mmahajia Rahma Sabtiu

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