BHM: The Marriage Proposals and the ‘Whys’

Bismillaahir Rahmaanir Raheem

Assalaamu alaykum wa Rahmatullaahi wa Barkaatuhu

Allahumma sualli 'alaa sayyidinaa Muhammad wa 'alaa aalihii wa ashaabihi wa sallam

9th Rabi'al thani, 1436

Alhamdulillaah for absolutely everything. When we try to count our blessings which we can never be able to do, we get amazed by how much Allah azza wa jal has provided and is providing for us. Unfortunately however, most of us indeed are ungrateful to Allah subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa. We whine about everything. May Allah azza wa jal forgive us always. Aameen.

The Era of Excellence 

She Wanted More than a Man

She could finally see that this was a beautiful soul she had been blessed with as a worker. She saw deeply into this beauty and she needed and wanted to make him hers. This was a woman whom so many high ranking men in her society yearned for badly but she saw beyond them to one to whom she was a boss. She made her proposal therefore known to him.

Such was Nana Khadijah, radiyallaahu anhaa, the wife of Rasuulullaah, suallal Laahu alayhi wa sallam. She wanted a lot more than just a man.

A Wife for a Son

He was then the ‘Ameer-ul-Mu’mineen. On one of his famous night vigils, he overhears a mother and a daughter’s conversation. The mother wants to dilute their milk to increase their profit and this noble girl advises her against it because if Umar ibn al-Khattab, radiyallaahu anhu, who had ruled against diluting of milk, was not there, Allah azza wa jal was perfectly aware and seeing of them. This action had proven to Umar radiyallaahu anhu that indeed this daughter was a beautiful soul and for that matter, he thought, she should be a part of his family, marry one of his sons. He had told this girl;

‘Islam needs daughters like you and as a Khalifa of Islam, it devotes on me to reward you by owning you as a daughter.’

To his sons, he said;

‘Here is a gem of a girl who would make a great mother. I desire that one of you should take this girl as a wife. I know of no better bride than this girl of sterling character. In matters of wedlock, it should be the character and not the stature in life that should count.’

So his son, Asim, radiyallaahu anhu who was not married then, had married this girl and their great grandchild is the popular Umar Abdul Aziz (the second Umar). 

An Obviously Better Replacement

Abu Salamah radiyallaahu dies and his wife, Umm Salamah wonders whether she could get a husband like him ever. Prophet Muhammad suallal Laahu alayhi wa sallam, the best of creation, proposed marriage to her. That is how short-sighted our human selves are. Perhaps we have not understood the fact that Allah azza wa jal is definitely able to do all things. Perhaps, we will never really understand. She gave the Prophet suallal Laahu alayhi wa sallam three reasons why she could not marry him;

1.      She was a very jealous person (she cannot contain rivals).

2.      She was elderly

3.      She had children

Rasuulullaah had responded to each of these in the best of ways and so she joined the Ummahaat-ul-Mu’mineen, the Mothers of the Believers. And we must note that the Prophet suallal Laahu alayhi wa sallam, does not marry except women of Paradise.

Casting my Mind Back

I was fresh in level 100, University of Ghana. I MCed an interesting programme that got me going off in annoyance. I was told the ladies don’t take up those kinds of roles – MCing, so a lot of people were surprised a fresher could do that. Not my fault! I had the Girl’s school spirit running through me – smile to Jannah. This kind of put me in the public eye and it wasn’t totally pleasant. 

They had discussed about ‘grabbing,’ that is’ ‘finding a lady or a guy whom you hope to marry in future’ at the programme. Among the things that annoyed me and I couldn’t believe that Muslims could actually condone were;

1.      A guy takes the mic and says that if the Muslim ladies are proving difficult to grab, they will go for the non-Muslims and the Muslim ladies will be found wanting – that was annoying.

2.      A lady comes up and begins shouting, ‘Please come and grab me!’ – that was extra annoying.

The questions I had always asked with some of these proposals that some of the ladies in such an institution are not spared of are;

1.      What is the essence of the proposal? (the grabbing)

2.      After the proposal, ‘grabbing, ‘what next?

I have found myself compulsoryly listening to a guy who wanted to grab me one day at a very late hour. Among the reasons he gave for wanting so badly to grab me were that he likes the way I talk and walk. Keep smiling. That was interesting and annoying. In the long run, it was that; 

‘Be my girl now. When I am done with school (that is after a year), finish my service, get a job, then we get married.’

Now, why am I telling this story? I want us to take a cursory look at the stories of the marriage proposals of the era of excellence and compare it with this and many others I cannot write about and then let us all analyse the state of the Ummah. I can’t say you should smile. I can’t.

Back to the Era of Excellence

Yearning for a Great Lineage

Umar ibn al-Khattab, radiyallaahu anhu had wanted to marry the daughter of Abubakar, radiyallaahu anhu because he yearned to join his lineage with that of such a noble man. The girl had declined his proposal. Then he had sought for the granddaughter of the noblest of creations, rasuulullaah and then she became his wife.

 

The Great Loss, the Greater Gain

Her husband has suddenly left Islam and died afterwards. Her father was then an ardent enemy of Islam but she was strong and firm in her faith in the Prophet of Allah and what he preached. She was far away in another man’s land. Then her dream of being called; ‘Mother of the Believers’ had suddenly come true when the Prophet suallal Laahu alayhi wa sallam had proposed marriage to her. Her little loss (the apostasy and death of her husband) and now her greater gain (marriage to the best of men). Such was the story of Ramlah bint Abu Sufyan (Umm Habiba) radiyallaahu anhaa.

A Man Could Sign Such a Marriage Contract

Now, I am really inspired and over impressed with the strength of will and eemaan that a woman of our times, Zeinab al-Gazali had. Interesting enough is an aspect of her marriage contract which said;

‘…let trust', she said, 'be full between us. A full trust between a man and a woman, a woman who, at the age of 18, gave her whole life to Allah and da'wah. In the event of any clash between the marriage contract's interest and that of da'wah, our marriage will end, but da'wah will always remain rooted in me…. I know that it is your right to command me and that it is my duty to obey you, but God in our souls is greater than our souls, and His da'wah is dearer to us than ourselves…’

What could make a man sign such a marriage contract? Well, read the book, ‘the Return of Pharaoh’ by Zeinab al-Gazali and the answer will come clear to you. She was a woman who was worth such a sacrifice from a man who knew her essence.

A Man in Search of the Best for a Daughter

Hafsah, radiyallaahu anhaa, had lost her husband and her father goes from one top sahaaba to the other to give his daughter to them but they all do not show interest in them. Little did he know that Allah azza wa jal had a greater plan for him, to marry his daughter to the best of men, Rasuulullaah suallal Laahu alayhi wa sallam.

A Woman From Jannah (Paradise)

Among the beloved of people to the Prophet Muhammad suallal Laahu alayhi wa sallam was Barakah popularly known as Umm Ayman, radiyallaahu anhaa. One day, the Prophet said about this woman, who was like a mother to him (she had been his nanny from the time he was born), he said;

‘Should one of you desire to marry a woman from the people of Paradise, let him marry Umm Ayman.’

Now, who does not desire this? Keep smiling!

Zaid ibn Harithah radiyallaahu anhu, another beloved of the Prophet had come forward to marry her. They had given birth to one of the best of the sahaaba (companions of the Prophet) called Osama ibn Zaid, radiyallaahu anhu. 

These are stories we must go back to in order to extract the lessons to live our lives. We must not just read them for reading sake but we must passionately seek out the lessons in them. In an era where we are so obsessed about getting married (good thing though) without knowing exactly what we should be looking out for in our spouses and how we can do it for the sake of Allah azza wa jal (it is 50 percent, that is not a joke), we simply have to go back to the era of excellence for lessons. 

She Married Him Anyway

Julaybeeb, radiyallaahu anhu, was known as the sahaaba who was unpleasant to the sight (describe as very ugly). He did not have any social standing and friends. His lineage was even unknown yet he had been a beloved of Rasuulullaah suallal Laahu alayhi wa sallam. Such was the Prophet, extremely amazing. The Prophet sought a noble woman’s hand in marriage for Julaybeeb. The lady’s family had been overwhelmed at such a proposal. How could they stoop so low as to marry their princess to such an unpleasant man. This noble lady upon finding out that it was the Prophet who was seeking her hand in marriage for Julaybeeb, agreed to marry him.

Soon after the marriage, Julaybeeb got martyred in one of the battles and many men of high social and religious standing wanted to marry this woman for the barakah (blessing) she carried.

Before Her Marriage

The essence of this article is to make sisters think about the reasons for which men married the women of old, who were blessed with the best of character. If a male reads this, he may as well take lessons for what he should be looking for in a woman as a wife. 

Obviously, marriage to them meant a lot more than having someone to have intimacy, children, conversation, etc, with. They needed to use their marriage as a means to attain a high status before Allah azza wa jal both in this Dunya and the Akhirah. So when they searched, they wanted beautiful hearts and souls whom they could tell, will aid them to achieve their aim of attaining the best of what Allah azza wa jal could offer them in this Dunya and the Akhirah.

What About Us Today

To my sisters, when a man who is not ready to marry you or who is unable to marry you proposes to you and you agree to this proposal (and that is the lifestyle of most of the men of today, even some of the seemingly religious ones), ask yourself;

‘What will the two of you be doing with yourselves?’

Note: There are some cases where the right thing could be done between two people who express interest in each other for marriage long before they marry due to very tangible reasons but most of the stories have not been pleasant and we can only caution ourselves against it. 

An Advice to the Sisters

Work at being the best of servants to Allah azza wa jal as you can and pray that when making a choice of a spouse for you, He, subhaanahu wa ta ‘aalaa will let that person marry you for the kind of reasons the men of old married the women of old. Smiles! So that at the end of the day, your marriage will be one that serves as a means towards your Jannah here in this Dunya and the Akhirah.

An Advice to the Man Who Might Read This

And this has always been my advice to all my male ‘friends’ who want so badly to marry but are not able to do so now. 

‘Try hard to concentrate your energy on your ability to marry before you go proposing to ladies even when you are afraid you might lose them. Whatever is meant to be yours will be yours. Do the right thing. Smiles.’

Alhamdulillaah! Lengthy! But of course, reading adds unto you. Never be lazy at doing it. I pray and hope that this will touch someone’s heart for the better. May Allah azza wa jal always forgive our shortfalls and grant us the best of what He offers His servants in this Dunya and the Akhirah. Jazaakumullaahu khair!

Rubaba  Mmahajia Rahma Sabtiu

www.beforehermarriage.blogspot.com before her marriage writings

www.mmahajia.blogspot.com my articles

www.strivingbeautifulsoul.blogspot.com my beautiful soul series

www.rubabawords.blogspot.com my poems